


Happier (With You)

by claryharry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, AU Malec, AU Shadowhunters, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood, Boys In Love, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Endgame Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Shadowhunters (TV), Isabelle Lightwood Ships Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss Friendship, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Malec, Malec AU, Malec Angst, Malec Fluff, Mutual Pining, Pandemonium Club (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Pining Alec Lightwood, Pining Magnus Bane, Shadowhunters - Freeform, So much angst, Song fic, Stubborn Alec Lightwood, Supportive Clary Fray, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, happier ed sheeran, pandemonium, stubborn magnus bane, they're idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-01-21 01:25:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12446424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/claryharry/pseuds/claryharry
Summary: "He knew he wasn't fooling anybody. He was still hopelessly in love with Alec..."Baby you look happier, you doMy friends told me one day I'll feel it tooAnd until then I'll smile to hide the truthBut I know I was happier with youinspired by "happier" by ed sheeran & real life eventsthis story might be hard for some people to read/deal with, so fair-warning. if it becomes too much for you or you can’t understand it, please try your best not to take it out on me. a lot of this isn’t fiction, it actually happened to someone close to me. i’m giving them the happy ending they deserve through this.





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> hey there demons, it's me, ya girl, here with a new fic
> 
> this will be like 5 parts minimum maybe?? i really don't know if it's even going to make it past that? if you guys like it enough, i might make it longer. there's definitely room to. 
> 
> anyway! hope you enjoy! as always, comment and tell me your favorite parts! 
> 
> -el ( writing twitter: @katsmatt main twitter: @harryclary )

They’d decided early on that they weren’t going to place the blame on one person in particular. They would both accept that they each had messed up and they were going to live with it. And that would be that. 

Or at least Magnus thought.

He hadn’t seen Alec in six months. During those six months, he’d tried anything and everything to get over the tall, dark-haired, hazel-eyed boy, but it was to no avail. It didn’t matter what was said or done, he’d always be hopelessly in love with Alec Lightwood. 

It was a stupid fight that had started it all. Alec received a job promotion that would require him to travel for months at a time. For selfish reasons, Magnus didn’t want Alec to accept the offer and naturally, this upset Alec greatly. He couldn’t understand why Magnus didn’t see what a great opportunity this was for him. 

Really, the issue wasn’t that Magnus wasn’t thrilled for Alec, because he was. He knew that as a journalist, it was what Alec had always wanted to be able to travel and write about global issues. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Magnus was going to propose to Alec. They were supposed to grow old together and live happily ever after in New York. Alec wasn’t supposed to leave him. 

Magnus had become convinced that it couldn’t work between the two of them if Alec were to accept the promotion. He didn’t want to be separated from Alec for months at a time, claiming it would put too much strain on their relationship. He knew this was just his own fear of Alec eventually realizing it was too much of a hassle and leaving starting to project onto his actions. But he figured he’d rather end it first and have the upper hand rather than be the one getting dumped later on. 

Admittedly, he now realized this was a dumb decision. 

The past six months without Alec had been the most excruciating of his life. Every day felt empty without Alec’s touch or his laugh. 

Magnus wasn’t a coffee drinker. For twenty-one years, he’d done nothing but drink tea. Then Alec came into his life, and the smell of coffee in the morning became a staple. Now he was twenty-four, and he missed the smell of that god-forsaken drink. 

Sometimes he laid in bed and thought about the night of the fight that ended three years of happiness. Magnus had yelled that it would never work and Alec had fought him tooth and nail for hours before finally giving in, relenting and agreeing that Magnus was right. He thought about the unforgiving tears that fell down both of their faces for hours as they held each other in silence. He thought about the final glance Alec had thrown over his shoulder at Magnus as he carried the last of his belongings out the door. He thought about the pieces of his heart that still lay scattered all over the living room floor. He thought about how he still stepped over them every time he walked through the door when he got home.

He knew in the final months of their relationship that things had been tenser than usual and Alec frowned a lot more than he smiled. Magnus was always snapping at him and yelling out of frustration and the fear of losing Alec. It didn’t help that Alec yelled right back, screaming out horrible things he’d come to regret mere seconds later that ended the night in slamming doors and muffled sobs. 

The reality that they were losing each other had become too much for them to handle, and eventually everything just…broke. 

They’d had one conversation since that fateful night, one in which they agreed that they’d both said things they didn’t mean, they still loved each other, they would always love each other, but for now, it was best that they went their separate ways. Maybe one day fate would bring them back together, if it was meant to be.

Magnus had never regretted agreeing to something more. 

It hurt every time he saw one of their mutual friends and heard his name. Alec’s sister Isabelle would talk about what new country he was in that week, or what new person he’d met. Clary, Jace, and Simon would babble on about how much they missed him and how much they missed he and Magnus being together. 

All Magnus could ever think was _me too._

He hadn’t left his loft in months except to go to work, which he guessed was why he allowed Catarina to drag him out to _Pandemonium_ , an extremely popular club in Manhattan. The music was pulsing through his body, allowing him to hear the heightened _thump thump_ _thump_ of his heart loudly in his ringing ears. 

Slowly, but surely, he weaved through the sweaty sea of writhing bodies until he made it to his destination: the bar. A familiar head of curly, fire-red hair greeted his eyes and he sidled up beside her, resting a hand on her lower back in greeting. “Magnus!” she exclaimed, turning a little haphazardly to throw her arms around him.

“Clary, dear,” he laughed, hugging her back with an equal amount of enthusiasm. “I’m assuming darling Isabelle is here with you somewhere? You never go to the club without her.” 

“Right here, gorgeous,” a giggly voice said behind him. He turned around and saw Isabelle Lightwood in all of her shining glory. She was in a tight, low-cut ruby dress and black heels so high Magnus didn’t understand how she walked straight. She tossed her long black hair over her shoulder before pulling Magnus into a hug. 

It was obvious from their swaying and abnormally high-pitched tones that both girls were drunk, but Magnus expected nothing less at a club on a Friday night. “Where are your suitors? Not here tonight?” Magnus asked as he broke away from Isabelle’s grasp. 

“Oh, they’re around somewhere. We’re all here tonight,” Isabelle responded.

Magnus couldn’t help but wonder if by “all,” she somehow meant Alec was there as well. He quickly dismissed the thought as foolish. He figured it wasn’t even a question worth asking. Alec was probably somewhere in Italy right now having the time of his life with a pretty Italian boy. Magnus couldn’t blame him if he was. “We definitely need to get together soon, ladies; however, right now, I need to get back to Catarina.”

Clary nodded, taking a sip of her martini and gesturing toward Isabelle. “We need to find Simon and Jace. Make sure they aren’t torturing poor Elijah, he only got here two days ago.” 

“Elijah?” Magnus echoed in question, but the two girls were stumbling off into the crowd before they could hear him. He sighed, shrugging his shoulders and ordering his own martini before shoving his way to the booth on the edge of the dance floor that Catarina was currently occupying. 

“I don’t know why you insist on going to the bar first thing,” Catarina sighed. 

Magnus raised his eyebrows as he sat down across from his friend so that he was facing the dance floor. “It’s incredibly odd that it _isn’t_ the first thing you do when you get to a _bar._ ” 

Catarina had started talking, but Magnus couldn’t hear anything. He suddenly felt like he was drowning, hallucinating, dying, or possibly all three. He thought he had to be seeing things, but he knew he wasn’t. He’d recognize that lanky body and midnight hair anywhere. What he didn’t recognize was the blonde man of equal height pressed up behind Alec. 

He didn’t even know Alec was back already. He didn’t know _why_ he was back. He’d assumed Alec would be gone for longer and that the time he actually did have at home wouldn’t be spent at a club. 

He desperately wanted to pull his eyes away from the scene in front of him, but he couldn’t. Alec’s head was thrown back against the unknown man’s shoulder, his eyes closed and mouth parted as he ground his hips backwards. The man tightened his grip on Alec’s waist and smiled as he bent his head to kiss Alec’s neck. 

Magnus watched as Alec laughed and spun in the man’s grasp, crashing their mouths together forcefully, the way he used to with Magnus. Magnus felt his heart clench and his stomach contract. He thought he was going to be sick.

Alec is gone for months and the first time Magnus sees him since their split is like this? 

What hurt the most wasn’t that Alec was with another man.

What hurt was how unbelievably _happy_ he looked with someone other than Magnus touching him, kissing him. 

“Magnus, what on earth are you—oh,” Catarina said as she turned in her seat to follow Magnus’s gaze. 

Magnus thought it was possible that both of the men were smiling wider than he and Alec ever had when they were together. He knew he couldn’t expect Alec to be alone forever, but God that didn’t mean that the pain he was feeling wasn’t absolutely excruciating. 

“You know, one day you’ll have that again, too,” Catarina whispered softly and reached out a hand to rest it on Magnus’s trembling arm.

A sad smile ghosted across Magnus’s face as he briefly tore his eyes away from Alec to look at his friend. “I won’t,” he whispered back. “I was the happiest I’ll ever be in my life when I was with him. But we screwed up, we lost it. It’s okay, though. He looks…happier.” 

“Oh, Magnus,” Catarina breathed when she noticed the tears forming in her best friend’s eyes.

Magnus was about to respond when he heard Clary before he saw her.

“There they are!” her voice rang out, and then he saw a flash of red hair fly past his table as she and Isabelle clattered onto the dance floor. “Alec! Elijah!” she called, waving frantically. 

So, that was Elijah. 

Somehow, Alec heard Clary’s voice over the music and tapped the man, Elijah, on the shoulder and gestured to his friend and his sister. Magnus was trying so, so, _so_ hard to look away, but he couldn’t. He’d missed Alec so much, he’d take seeing him in any way he possibly could. 

Time seemed to stop as Alec’s piercing hazel eyes landed on Magnus’s sad brown ones. His mouth opened in shock, beautiful eyes widening. He lifted a hand, almost like he was reaching for Magnus before he dropped it back to his side. Elijah, Isabelle, and Clary followed Alec’s shocked stare. 

Isabelle and Clary’s expressions fell, almost as if they were immediately sobering up, realizing they didn’t put two and two together earlier. Realizing they didn’t find it important to mention to Magnus that Alec was back. Elijah, on the other hand, just looked incredibly confused. Simon and Jace had appeared at some point and were wearing expressions similar to Isabelle and Clary’s. 

Magnus knocked back the rest of his drink, only breaking eye contact with Alec for a moment before returning it and giving him a sad smile. He wiped the tears from his face and stood, walking away from the area of the club where the world had seemed to come to a complete stop. 

_It’s okay_ , he told himself as he stumbled out into the cold night air. Alec was happy, which was all he ever wanted. If he and Alec couldn’t be happy together, then Alec deserved to find happiness with someone else. But God, did it hurt. 

As he turned around and looked at the flashing sign of _Pandemonium_ , he couldn’t help but be brought back to a night that now seemed like a lifetime ago. 

_Alec gripped onto Magnus’s hand tightly as they made their way onto the dance floor of_ Pandemonium _, bodies immediately plastering together. It didn’t seem to matter where the were or under what conditions, their bodies would always be drawn together by some unseeable magnetic force._

_Magnus liked to chalk it up to love._

_Neon lights danced across Alec’s porcelain skin, casting shadows of blues, pinks, greens, and purples. Pieces of his black hair were stuck to his forehead with sweat and his eyes were shining brightly with something that could only be described as pure happiness._

_Magnus snaked his arms around Alec’s neck, slotting their hips together and starting to move their bodies against each other in sync to the music. Alec was breathing heavily into his ear, and Magnus couldn’t help but grin as he pulled Alec’s mouth to his in a heated kiss._

_They hardly ever got to go out, so when they did, Magnus liked to make sure Alec let go and enjoyed himself. Alec let his hands slide down, grabbing Magnus’s ass and pulling him closer into his body. Their mouths moved hotly against each other, tongues sliding together in perfect tandem._

_“Outside,” Alec muttered, breaking the kiss._

_“We’ve only been dancing for, like, two minutes,” Magnus laughed._

_“Don’t care.”  
_

_***_

_It seemed Alec really didn’t care._

_Magnus moaned as he tilted his head back against the cool brick wall, letting Alec attack his neck with a sinful mouth. He slid his leg up Alec’s own to curl around his boyfriend’s back, pulling Alec closer._

_“What has gotten into you?” Magnus breathed, tangling his fingers in Alec’s already messy hair. They were acting like hormonal teenagers, something they hadn’t done in quite a while. Alec released his grip on Magnus’s ass, raising his hands to pull the sides of Magnus’s shirt, sending black buttons flying across the damp ground of the dark alley. “Alec!” Magnus exclaimed and jerked his head away from Alec, widening his eyes in shock._

_He wasn’t able to get another word out due to the fact that Alec immediately had his warm mouth trailing kisses down the skin of his abdomen. Magnus gasped as Alec dropped to his knees, kissing all the way to the waistline of Magnus’s pants before standing back up and forcing their mouths together._

_“How am I supposed to get home with my shirt hanging open?” Magnus said breathlessly as Alec kissed along his jaw._

_“You can use my jacket,” Alec replied and began shrugging off his jacket. He tossed it at Magnus. “Put it on, we need to get home. Now.”_

_Magnus laughed at the wild expression on Alec’s face. His boyfriend had swollen lips and eyes glazed over with desire. “Okay, bossy.”_

Magnus shook his head, pulling himself out of a memory he would never get to experience again. He’d never feel Alec’s lips against his again, Alec’s skin on his, their bodies moving together… 

“Magnus,” Catarina said softly. 

He hadn’t even noticed she was there. 

“Let’s just get you home, okay? I’m sorry. I never would have brought you here if I knew he was back. Raphael said that Simon said at work last week that Alec wasn’t supposed to be home until next week. He must have come home early.” Catarina was babbling, trying to apologize for something that most definitely wasn’t her fault. 

“Stop apologizing, Cat. It’s not your fault, I just—oh, are you kidding me?” Magnus threw his hands in the air as the group of who used to be his best friends exited the club. 

Isabelle tried to move in front of Alec to stop him from noticing, but it was no use. She was at least a foot and a half shorter than him and he could see right over her. 

“Fuck! This night is just not going well at all,” Clary exclaimed and stomped her foot. 

“Yeah, you’re telling me,” Magnus muttered and grabbed Catarina’s arm. “C’mon, let’s go.” He started walking, Catarina’s arm sliding down to grip his hand in hers as a comfort. He tried to fight off the stinging in his eyes as he turned away from his friends and Alec. 

“Mags, wait.” 

He closed his eyes tightly and came to an abrupt stop the second he heard the voice he hadn’t heard in months. When he opened them, Alec, _his Alec_ , was standing in front of him. 

_Not yours anymore,_ he quickly reminded himself. 

Alec’s eyes were filled with the amount of pain and longing Magnus’s heart was currently in. “Can we talk?” he asked, voice shaking. “I haven’t seen you in forever, and I just… Could we please just talk?” 

It took everything in Magnus not to fall apart right there and give in. But he knew he couldn’t. He knew he had to let Alec go. Alec deserved to follow his dreams and to be happy. Magnus was convinced there was no way that was possible as long as Alec was with him. 

He looked over his shoulder at Elijah, who was wearing a very different expression now than the one he had been wearing earlier. This expression was knowing, sad almost. “That’s not a good idea. Goodbye, Alec. Have a good night, guys,” he smiled, hoping it didn't look as fake as it felt.

Magnus started walking again and kept walking, ignoring every fiber in his body that was screaming at him to turn around.

He knew he wasn't fooling anybody. He was still hopelessly in love with Alec and it had to be written all over his face; however, he wasn't going to do anything to purposefully sabotage Alec's happiness. 

He just hoped Alec knew he'd be waiting for him if Elijah ever broke his heart. 


	2. part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this started off strong and ended not so strong, so apologies for that. i'm going to try and go back to fix it later when i have more energy. 
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> -el ( writing twitter: @harryclary main twitter: @acklesalec)

Magnus really wanted to know why he awoke with a raging headache and a cotton mouth considering the fact that he’d only managed to have one drink the night before. His night had been cut short by an all-too painfully familiar demon with the face of an angel. He sighed, rolling over and stuffing his face in the cold fabric of his pillow case just to feel the cool silk against his hot skin. It wasn’t really that big of a mystery as to why he felt the way he did, so he didn’t know why he was pretending it was the unsolved case of the century. Clearly, the culprit of the emotional hangover was a big, hulking mess of tears from the previous night. 

He missed Alec something terrible and that’s all there was to it. These past six months, he’d told himself he was fine, he didn’t need Alec to be happy. He could make it on his own, he didn’t have to depend on anyone but himself and his cats, of course. Chairman Meow and Church would never leave him for a job promotion. Their only promotions in life would be to high-end cat food or a cashmere kitty bed. 

He’d been wrong, though, in assuming that he’d be just fine without Alec. Sure, for the first twenty some-odd years of his life, he’d survived quite alright without a certain hazel-eyed boy; but, once that boy entered his life, he was a goner. 

He also knew he was wrong in angrily placing the blame totally on Alec whenever he was feeling particularly sad. He knew better than anyone that it had been _both_ of their faults. He tried so hard not to let himself forget that, but sometimes the pain took over and the only way to get rid of it was to curse Alec’s name at four in the morning. 

They were both incredibly stubborn in nature, something that uplifted them at times, but had ultimately proven to be their— what seemed to be — inevitable downfall. 

There were times when Magnus wanted to rewrite all of their fights and make Alec out to be the sole villain of the story, but he knew that was just his broken heart talking. No, he knew how most of them had gone. He knew they’d boiled over due to Magnus’s unrelenting fear and Alec’s steadfast determination to get what he wanted in life. Magnus loved Alec’s determination to succeed, it was an admirable quality. It was just sometimes Magnus found himself wishing Alec would have applied that determination to saving their relationship. 

Not to say that he didn’t try, but he’d given up a lot easier than Magnus had hoped for.

_ Magnus sat alone in the dark, twirling around the dark liquid in his half full wine glass. He didn’t even have the energy to look up when he heard the door open and close, signaling Alec’s arrival home. _

_ “Magnus,” he heard Alec call out above the clatter of his bag hitting the floor and coat being hung on the iron rack near the door. Alec’s voice was tired. It sounded like he was already done with an argument that hadn’t even started yet, which wasn’t a good indication of the night they were both in for.  _

_ Part of Magnus debated on whether or not to even respond to Alec. Part of him just wanted to let Alec stumble on into bed, leaving Magnus alone altogether. But he knew that was childish, even for him.  _

_ “Mags,” Alec called again, voice hoarse and overflowing with exhaustion.  _

_ Magnus’s heart constricted at the pet name and he found himself calling out a quiet, “in here,” before he could stop himself. It was reflex. He couldn’t help it sometimes when it came to Alec. Sometimes he was weak.  _

_ Alec appeared in Magnus’s office with his navy blue dress shirt untucked and head hung low. He offered a strained smile, but didn’t step forward to greet Magnus with a kiss. “I got the promotion,” he sighed, not bothering to preface the statement with anything.  _

_ A knot formed in Magnus’s throat, but he pushed it down. He set his glass on his desk before rising to a standing position and pushing past Alec out of the office. “When do you leave?” he asked without looking back over his shoulder at Alec who he was almost positive was scowling.  _

_ “I said I _ got _ it not that I  _ accepted _it,” Alec said through gritted teeth, hot on Magnus’s heels as he followed him through the loft to their bedroom. _

_ “We both know you’re going to, so why sit around and pretend like there’s even a possibility that you aren’t,” Magnus shot back. He fumbled around at his vanity for his favorite half-used tube of Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion from  _ Bath and Body Works _, wanting something,_ anything, _to occupy his hands. _

_ Alec reached out, gripping his arm lightly. It was a pleading gesture, something Magnus knew was meant to say let’s not fight. But Magnus didn’t see any way this ended where he didn’t get hurt, so he thought he might as well let his anger out now. While he still could.  _

_ “Come with me,” Alec whispered, turning Magnus around to face him. “Please. We could travel the world together, just me and you.”  _

_ With the way Alec was looking at him, Magnus wanted nothing more than to give in. He wanted to throw caution to the wind and take a risk, dive straight into the unknown trusting that everything would be alright as long as he had Alec by his side.  _

_ But that was a fairy-tale. That was a dream.  _

_ This was reality. And reality was absolute shit.  _

_ Reality was that Magnus had spent years building up his art gallery to become one of the most prestigious in Manhattan. Reality was that the gallery was his pride and joy. Reality was that it wasn’t something Magnus could simply abandon, or sell, or hand authority over to someone else.  _

_ Where writing was Alec’s passion, art was Magnus’s. Just like Alec couldn’t give up his dream, Magnus wasn’t willing to give up his.  _

_ He didn’t expect Alec to give up his dream, and realistically he knew that Alec didn’t expect him to give up his gallery either. Alec was just dreaming out loud, something that was only going to do more harm than good.  _

_ “I can’t, Alec,” Magnus said, letting his tube of lotion clatter loudly onto the glass tray that sat atop his vanity.  _

_ Alec moved to sit on the edge of their bed, burying his face in his hands. “I know,” he mumbled. “It was worth a shot.”  _

_ Magnus sighed. They were trying to prolong the inevitable. Trying to find away around it. And all it was doing was causing both of them more pain, but neither one was ready to let go just yet.  _

_ “We can make the long distance work,” Alec said suddenly, looking up from his hands. “There’s FaceTime a-a-and Skype and-“ _

_ “No, Alec,” Magnus responded sternly. He walked to his side of the bed, sitting down and facing away from Alec. He didn’t want him to see the tears forming in his eyes. “I don’t want to wait around not knowing when the next time I’m going to see you is. I don’t want to try and get in a five minute call with you whenever the time zones allow it. I don’t want to not be able to hold you at night, or kiss you in the morning. I don’t want to only have half of you. I want all of you, or I don’t want you at all.”  _

_ “Magnus,” Alec choked out. He was crying now, and unlike Magnus, wasn’t trying to hide it. “Mags, please. Please, I can’t lose you.”  _

_ “Then I guess you have some things to think about,” Magnus responded, knowing damn good and well he was being selfish and unfair. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and then suddenly he was being pulled back onto the bed so that he could fully face Alec while sitting up.  _

_ He wished he never would have allowed Alec to turn him around.  _

_ Alec’s cheeks were stained with tears, his eyes red and puffy. Magnus had no idea how long Alec had been crying silently behind him. He tried to ignore the quiver of Alec’s bottom lip as the younger man reached forward, taking Magnus’s hands in his. “That’s not  _ fair _.”  _

_ “Life’s not fair.” _

_ A broken laugh escaped Alec’s lips. “I knew you were going to say that.” He looked deep into Magnus’s eyes, holding his stare with a gaze so intense, Magnus thought he might actually melt. “I love you.”  _

_ Magnus softened, allowing himself to finally break. His own tears began pouring from his eyes and he crawled forward into Alec’s lap. “I love you,” he replied, holding Alec tightly and hoping silently that he’d never slip away.  _

Magnus looked over at the empty side of the bed. The side he refused to sleep on but that Chairman Meow and Church had absolutely no problem taking up residence on. 

“Who wants cuddles?” he asked, holding out his arms to the two cats. 

Church gave him an unimpressed glance from his spot on the pillow before continuing to lick his paw. Chairman Meow seemed to raise his eyebrows at Magnus before curling back into a ball and falling asleep. 

“You’re both worthless,” Magnus mumbled. “Worthless, heartless felines who deserve no love.” Reluctantly, he reached out to scratch behind Chairman Meow’s ear, which earned him an appreciative purr. In turn, Magnus rolled his eyes before forcing himself out of the warm confines of his bed.

He got dressed for the day relatively quickly, hiding the puffiness around his eyes with concealer and his trademark black eyeshadow before moving onto clothing. He slipped into his favorite tight black jeans and a long sleeved maroon shirt that glittered in the sunlight before throwing on a few gold necklaces and his usual array of rings. 

There was only one place he could think of going, seeing as it was the morning, and it was his ritual to wake up every morning and go to the same place whether it be a weekday or the weekend. Sure, the tradition had started with Alec and the place still reminded Magnus of him every time he set foot in it, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. He also wasn’t going to let the new possibility of running into Alec at said place stop him either. 

No, he was going to live his life like he had been for the past six months. He was going to go to _Maia’s BrewHouse,_ get his normal cup of tea and his scone, and go on about his day, Alec Lightwood be damned. 

Well, it was a nice sentiment.

* * *

Magnus knew it was impractical to go all the way into Manhattan from Williamsburg for a cup of tea in the morning, but really he couldn’t help it. No one made tea like Maia, and he didn’t quite know how to function anymore without his fix first thing in the morning.

The bell chimed above the door, signaling his entrance. It was unusually empty in the small coffee shop, but Magnus figured it had something to do with him being an hour later than he normally was. 

Maia’s head of brown, curly hair popped out from around the corner, bright smile shining on her face as she took in Magnus. “You’re late!” she exclaimed, digging around behind the counter for the tea bags.

“Rough night,” Magnus grinned and stepped up to the counter to plant a greeting kiss on Maia’s cheek.

Maia gasped in fake shock. “Did Magnus Bane _actually_ leave his house for the first time in six months for something other than work and tea?” 

“Ha, very funny, Roberts,” Magnus rolled his eyes as he addressed Maia by her last name. He gratefully accepted the steaming hot cup of tea, moving to the side to add his own amount of cream and sugar before placing the top on it. 

Maia bent over into the case of baked goods, grabbing a blueberry scone and dropping it into a paper bag before handing it to Magnus. She looked hesitant as she started her next sentence. “So, Alec’s back,” she said, taking the money Magnus was handing her and avoiding eye contact. 

Magnus sighed for an unnecessary amount of time. “I know. Remember how I said I had a rough night? I let Catarina convince me to go out and ended up running into him at _Pandemonium.”_

“Oh.” Maia handed Magnus his change.

“Question is, how do you know that he’s back?” 

Maia snorted. “What? You think he didn’t start coming back in here first thing when he got back a few days ago? You aren’t the only one who can’t resist my wonderful food and beverages.” 

Magnus adjusted himself so that he was leaning against the counter with his hip, long legs cocked out to the side. “It’s true, my dear. You do have marvelous tea and scones.” He took a sip of his tea and didn’t ignore the way Maia was fidgeting with her hands. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing...It’s just you might want to leave soon because he normally comes in right-“ the bell above the door chimed, signaling a customer’s entrance, “now.” 

“My life is a joke. A joke, I tell you,” Magnus hissed at Maia who stifled a laugh in her fist. He turned around, bracing himself for the unavoidable as he did so. Alec’s hair was wind blown, cheeks rosy from the winter air. He was wearing his black leather jacket that Magnus absolutely adored. But the most noticeable thing was Elijah on his side. 

Alec was giggling at something Elijah had said, bringing a hand to his face to cover his mouth. Magnus really wished he wouldn’t. He looked beautiful when he laughed. Hell, he looked beautiful all of the time. 

Elijah noticed Magnus before Alec did, and he removed his arm from where it rested around Alec’s waist before moving forward with a hand extended. “Well, you just seem to be everywhere,” Elijah said. “I’m Elijah, Alec’s friend.” 

Magnus wanted to roll his eyes at Elijah’s accent, because _of course_ he was British. Not only was he particularly stunning, he was fucking foreign. Magnus tried to push down the little flicker of hope he felt at Elijah describing himself as Alec’s “friend.” “You’ve literally only ran into me once,” Magnus replied flatly and shook Elijah’s outstretched hand a little roughly. Alec snorted in an attempt to stop his laughter and Magnus suppressed the prideful grin threatening to show. “I’m Magnus, Alec’s...ex-friend.” He chanced a look at Alec who was just standing there with an unknown expression in his eyes and a slight smirk on his face. 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, mate, but I know who you are,” Elijah responded with a shrug. Alec looked like he wanted to die. 

“Oh?” Magnus raised an eyebrow. “I guess you know what a horrible excuse for a human being I am, then.” 

Alec groaned and stepped out in front of Elijah, almost like he was trying to separate the two men. “Magnus,” he hissed. 

“I’m kidding, darling,” Magnus assured, finding himself instinctively resting a hand on Alec’s arm. 

Both Elijah and Alec’s eyes followed the movement: Elijah’s in confusion and Alec’s in surprise. Alec darted his up to meet Magnus’s, stepping forward a little bit into the touch. 

They didn’t try to ignore the jolt of electricity that seemed to shoot between the two of the them. Magnus jerked his hand back, clearing his throat. He took a few steps backwards, looking over his shoulder at Maia who was watching the scene through gaps in her fingers that were covering her face. 

Magnus rolled his eyes for what felt like the millionth time since he’d woken up that morning. Sometimes, his friends were ridiculous and did not help make already disastrous situations any less disastrous. 

“Hey, Eli, can you go order for us while I talk to Magnus for a minute?” Alec asked suddenly, breaking the short period of awkward silence that had ensued. Elijah nodded and left the two alone, but not before shooting them both a worried look. 

The nickname stung and Magnus wished it wouldn’t. But he knew Alec, and he knew assigning his friends nicknames was just something he did.

Immediately, Magnus looked at Alec because no matter what, if Alec was in the room, that’s where his eyes would always land. He’d said it before and he’d say it again: Alec was his everything and he always would be. That was one thing that was never going to change. Standing here, in front of Alec, not being able to touch him, to hold him, had Magnus regretting letting him go all over again. Something he’d been doing lately more often than he’d like to admit. 

“Alec…” Magnus started with a sigh. If he knew Alec as well as he liked to think he did, he knew the next words out of Alec’s mouth would be somehow asking him if they could get together and talk.

“We have to talk, Magnus.” 

_Bingo._

“I can’t stay here knowing that you’re just a train ride away and not do anything about it,” Alec said, stepping forward. 

Magnus stepped back. He couldn’t let Alec do this, not now. Not when he’d finally gotten everything he wanted. “Then maybe you should have thought about that before coming back here. You’ve got what you want, Alec. Why did you come back?”

Alec laughed bitterly and the sound chilled Magnus to the bone. “Got what I want? Magnus, are you _insane?”_ His eyes widened in disbelief before returning to their normal size and he held a warning hand up. “Actually, don’t answer that with whatever smart-ass comment you’ve got brewing.”

“Ah, six months later and you still know me so well,” Magnus teased, a small smile betraying him. 

“You think I could forget anything about you?” Alec whispered, shifting on his feet. “If you believe that, then you’ve most definitely lost your mind.” 

Magnus was more than one hundred percent sure that his heart was no longer beating. Also, he found it extremely comical that they were actually having this conversation in the middle of a coffee shop, _their_ coffee shop. He looked over Alec’s shoulder for a moment at Elijah who was watching them with curious eyes. There was no malice or judgement in his gaze, just curiosity and a touch of sadness. 

“Alexander,” Magnus sighed and ignored the way Alec flinched when Magnus said his full name. “You know just as well as I do that it’s best we stay apart. It’s too soon for friendship. The wound is still too fresh.” He looked at Elijah again and this time Alec looked with him. “At least for me it is.” 

“Friends? No, Magnus I—“ 

“You’ve got a good thing going with Mr. Fish and Chips over there,” Magnus said and gestured at Elijah.

“That might just be the most stereotypical thing you’ve ever said.”

Magnus glared, knowing full well that Alec was absolutely right. “ _Anyway,_ I’m not going to get in the way of that. You shouldn’t try to sabotage it either. I’m never going to change my mind and you’re never going to change yours. Go back to your boyfriend.”

“That’s not true, Magnus. You have no idea what’s going on, you haven’t even stopped to ask. Naturally, you’re jumping to conclusions. And he’s not my boy-“

“Alec, stop.” Magnus wouldn’t lie, he was confused. He had absolutely no idea what Alec was babbling on about, but he knew that all he wanted was the best for Alec and that wasn’t him. He knew that the only person in the universe for him was Alec, but he also knew that the universe was cruel.

And God, the things they’d yelled at each other during their final fight…Magnus didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself for some of the things he’d shouted at Alec. He also knew damn and good and well that Alec beat himself up daily for the things he’d said because that’s the kind of person Alec was. 

There were just too many obstacles for them right now. Nothing had changed in the past six months except that Alec looked happier than he’d looked in a long, long time. And there was no way in hell Magnus was going to take that away from him, not for his own selfish gain. Since nothing had changed, their relationship would inevitably end up the same way it had the first time: in unrepairable pieces on the ground. 

“Goddammit, Magnus! You’re not _listening,”_ Alec raised his voice, causing a few heads to turn. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Goodbye, Alexander,” Magnus whispered and let his hand briefly caress Alec’s cheek. “Have a good day,” he smiled before he turned and began to leave. No matter what he did, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to get the look on Alec’s face out of his head for a long, long time. 

“You know what? Fine! You’re right, forget I said anything! I am happy!” Alec yelled at Magnus’s back. 

Magnus closed his eyes at the same time the door closed shut behind him. He wanted to know why he purposefully caused himself pain, but he reminded himself that it was for Alec’s own good. It was so that Alec could get everything he deserved out of life. 

He dropped his uneaten scone in a garbage can outside of the store, refusing to look back through the glass windows at Alec. He was sure that if he did, he’d run back inside, kiss Alec and never let him go again. 

Part of him hoped that Alec would burst out of those doors and tell Magnus that he didn’t want anyone else but him. That he would only ever be happy as long as Magnus was his. Magnus didn’t think he’d have the strength to stop him if he did. He thought he’d just fall back into the vicious cycle they’d gotten themselves into.

He cursed himself silently as he walked down the street for stopping Alec from finishing whatever it was he was saying. But the truth was, Magnus didn’t want to hear it because it would be too painful knowing for certain that Alec still wanted him. It would be too painful to know that Alec wanted him and that Magnus couldn’t give him that because he deserved better. 

Alec deserved someone like Elijah that was willing to leave home for him, that was willing to give up his life. 

That someone wasn’t Magnus. 

* * *

Magnus was going to go to the gallery and actually open it for a few hours, but after his conversation with Alec, he didn’t have the energy for it. He just made his way back to Williamsburg with a cup of cold tea that ended up in his kitchen garbage can.

Pictures of he and Alec still lined every surface of his apartment. He couldn’t ever find it in him to take down the happy memories, fearing that if he did, he’d forget they ever existed. He passed a particular picture of Alec laughing with ice cream on his nose and smiled sadly. 

As he crawled into his bed, still fully clothed at eleven in the morning, he found himself thinking back on his conversation with Alec at Maia’s. Had he said that Elijah wasn’t his boyfriend? Magnus guessed that you didn’t have to be dating to lock lips on the dance floor and move together so intimately, but he did find it very out of character for Alec. If they weren’t together, what on earth was Alec doing? 

He voiced this question aloud to Chairman Meow and Church, who both ignored him except for a small meow from Church. 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Magnus mumbled to the ceiling, wishing for Alec’s arms around him. “I can’t even be mad at him for moving on, you know? Because what, did I expect him to just be alone for the rest of his life, pining over me?”

Magnus rolled over on his side, staring at both of his incredibly uninterested cats. “Listen, you two could at least act like you care that I’m wallowing in self-pity.” Church shot him a look that Magnus could’ve sworn meant “fuck you,” before he jumped off of the bed and pranced out of the room. “You can’t stay mad at me forever! It’s not completely my fault he left, y’know!” 

Chairman Meow grunted before following Church out of the room. “Oh, great. Now even my cats have left me.” Magnus rolled over once more, this time onto his stomach where he shoved his head in the mound of pillows underneath him before screaming loudly. “You’re both bastards!” he called over his shoulder and then returned to his screaming. 

He screamed until his lungs burned and his throat hurt. Eventually, he became so exhausted from the yelling that he fell asleep, dreaming of Alec. 


	3. part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really need to apologize for how short this is, how crap it is, and how late it is.  
> i've been incredibly busy with school and personal things, and on top of that, i got extremely sick.  
> this particular situation occurring in part three is going to continue in part four, i promise this isn't it. this was just kind of a filler.  
> i will finally have time to write this weekend, though. so you can be looking forward to updates then. i'm so so so so so so so so so sorry for how bad this is. please please stay with me.  
> -el  
> main twitter: @acklesalec  
> writing twitter: @harryclary

As usual, the door to _Fray’s Art Institute_ was hanging ajar when Alec arrived. He stepped inside, trying to shrug off the feeling of uneasiness he’d been carrying around with him ever since he’d seen Magnus for the first time in six months outside of _Pandemonium_. 

He relived the instance of not being able to breathe, of his whole body going numb, almost every time he closed his eyes. Nothing in the world could have ever prepared him for seeing Magnus again, especially not with the pain that was visible in those familiar brown eyes. 

Alec hated knowing that he was the cause of it.

But he also tried to keep in mind the fact that Magnus was the reason for his pain as well. 

It didn’t stop him from wanting Magnus back. It didn’t stop him from wanting to try again. He’d take the pain if it meant he could hold Magnus in his arms again. 

“Shit! Shit! Dammit, fucking hell!” Clary’s frustrated yells snapped Alec out of the trance he’d slipped into. 

“Clary?” Alec called out, dodging a flying paintbrush and maneuvering around and overturned easel. The smell of paint and wood filled his nose, the scent being something he had missed during his time away. He used to spend hours in the studio, watching Clary paint and teach her students, occasionally doodling his own designs as well.

He turned a paint-splattered corner and found Clary with a long-sleeved denim shirt on and her red hair pulled into a messy bun atop her head. She also looked like she was ready to kill someone. “What’s going on?” 

Clary pushed aside the piece she’d been working on, a pencil sketch of the Manhattan skyline, and turned to face Alec with her hands on her hips. “The gallery just called and canceled. They said I couldn’t use the space tonight, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. Everyone has been working so hard for this show and I convinced my mom that she could retire and I could run this place without her, but obviously I can’t.” She sat down in a nearby chair, burying her face in her hands. “I had this place booked for months, Alec. _Months_.” 

Alec stepped forward and rested a soothing hand on Clary’s shaking shoulder. “Calm down. We’ll figure something out.” 

“It’s the end of the year exhibit. It’s what everyone works toward all year. The students have been working so hard all year and they chose their pieces to display and now I’m going to have to tell them that there’s going to be no exhibit,” Clary sighed, shaking her head. Alec felt her entire body tense under his hand and he could almost physically see the light-bulb go off above her head. “Unless…” 

“Unless what?” Alec asked. 

Clary had her phone out and in her hand before Alec could even blink. “Magnus. I’ll call Magnus and ask if I can use his gallery for tonight.” Alec’s heart stopped in his chest. He was about to protest, but Clary already had the phone to her ear. “Hi, Magnus?” 

Alec stood to the side, nervously biting his nails as he watched Clary talk animatedly on the phone, using her free hand to make unnecessary gestures that would go unseen by Magnus. She twirled a paintbrush around on the table before smiling and shrieking a mantra of “thank yous” into the phone. 

“Thank God for Magnus,” Clary said excitedly when she got off of the phone. She clapped her hands together and looked at Alec. “Now, I just need to e-mail the class and everyone who bought tickets to let them know about the change in location. And I need to call the company who is transporting the art and let them know about the location change as well…” 

Clary seemed to trail off when she noticed the expression on Alec’s face. She reached out to squeeze his arm. “Listen, you don’t have to come,” she said softly, her vibrant green eyes full of kindness and understanding. 

“No, Clary. This is your first show you’ve put together all by yourself with the first class you’ve taught solo since your mom retired. You’re crazy if you think I’m not coming,” Alec replied. “I appreciate the concern, but I can handle Magnus. Don’t worry about me. Tonight is about you.” 

In all reality, Alec was completely freaking out on the inside, but he couldn’t let Clary know that. For six months, the only thing Alec had been able to think about was Magnus. It didn’t matter where he was or what he was doing, Magnus was always on his mind. And now he was back and Magnus was close enough to touch and there seemed to be nothing he could do about it. 

“What’d you stop by for?” Clary asked, bending down to pick up the over-turned easel by Alec’s feet. 

“I was around and figured I’d stop by and ask if Elijah could come along with me tonight. Would that be okay?” 

Clary looked over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow but shrugging anyway. “You know I don’t mind, but is it the best idea with the…situation between you two and the fact that Magnus is going to be there?” 

Alec sighed, running his hands through his already messy hair. “I shouldn’t have to go alone just because Magnus is going to be there.” 

“You know that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is you want to get back together with Magnus, and I think bringing Elijah along is going to convey the opposite message.” Clary started walking to the front of the studio, expecting Alec to follow behind her, which he did. 

“And _you_ know it’s not like that between me and Elijah. Plus, Magnus has made it pretty clear he doesn’t want me back, so why be miserable and alone tonight when you’ll have Jace and Izzy will have Simon?” 

Clary rolled her eyes and sighed obnoxiously loud. “Yes, I know about your weird ass agreement with Elijah, but Magnus doesn’t. You won’t be helping your case by bringing him.” 

“I’ll keep it platonic because we ended the whole sexual aspect of that,” Alec said and tapped the table Clary was leaning against before adjusting his jacket on his shoulders. “See you tonight.” 

“See you tonight, weirdo.” 

* * *

The gallery looked the same as it always had, elegant and beautiful. Alec swallowed the rising lump in his throat as he watched the people file into the building, the building that used to be like a second home to him but that he now felt like a stranger to.

“You don’t have to do this, Alec,” Elijah said and rubbed his hand up and down Alec’s back in an attempt to be comforting. 

Alec glanced quickly at Elijah before turning his attention back to the doorway that was framed with golden Christmas lights. “It’s not about me. It’s for Clary, I’ll be fine.” He started walking forward with a determined march, but was quickly stopped by Elijah pulling him back. 

“Remember things like this take time and it won’t happen immediately. We may have cut off the sexual side of our agreement, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still my friend. I’ll be there the whole time, okay?” 

Sometimes Alec wanted to punch Elijah in his perfect British face for being such a kind and understanding person. He really didn’t see how he did it, but he was beyond grateful for it. “Thank you,” Alec said quietly and started walking again, this time calmly. 

As soon as they stepped inside, Alec was hit with a wave of nostalgia. He looked to the far left corner where Clary was standing in a short black dress next to Jace. He spotted Isabelle and Simon nearby looking at a painting on the wall. 

The wood floor looked as if it had been recently waxed and Alec thought if he looked hard enough, he could see his reflection in it. He looked around, taking in the art hanging all around him and thinking it was incredible that they were able to set this up with such short notice. You couldn’t even tell. 

Alec heard Magnus before he saw him, the sound of his laugh carrying across the room like a beautiful melody. He turned around, and as soon as he did, he wished he hadn’t. A wave of nausea washed over him, making him sway a little. He was vaguely away of Elijah holding out a hand to steady him. 

Magnus looked beautiful, as always, but that wasn’t what was making Alec sick. No, it was the man Magnus was leaning against and laughing with, a flirtatious glint in his eyes. Alec froze, his hands tightening to fists by his sides. The sound of rushing waves filled his ears and he found himself slipping into a memory. 

_“I’ll be right back, I promise,” Isabelle said, patting Alec on the arm._

_“Where are you going?” Alec asked his sister in confusion._

_Isabelle looked over her shoulder to answer Alec. “Simon just got here. I’m going to go meet him at the entrance before he finds a way to get himself lost.”_

_Alec nodded, even though the gesture was mostly to himself considering Izzy had already disappeared. He sighed, staring at the painting in front of him that was, incidentally, of Isabelle. Clary had done a perfect job in capturing the confidence and strength that flowed through Isabelle in just a single painting._

_Alec thought it was great that Clary had finally decided to rent out her friend’s gallery for the night to have her own exhibit. Her art was certainly good enough and it was something she deserved. Most of the people who showed up were either friends, family, or her students, but it was still a nice turn-out._

_He jumped a little bit when he suddenly heard a voice behind him, sultry and flirtatious. “How much for this piece? I think I’d like it to be the next big feature,” it said._

_Alec turned around, almost colliding with another body. He pulled back, taking in the stunning man before him. Black pants, green silk shirt, golden skin, chocolate eyes…_ beautiful _. “I-I’m sorry?” he asked._

_The man laughed out a glorious sound and threw his head back as he did, baring his perfect throat to Alec. “You, darling. You’re as beautiful as any piece hanging on these walls.”_

_A blush made its way up Alec’s neck to his face. He smiled at the man and tried to think of something witty and clever to say, but all that came out was, “I’m one of a kind.” He kind of wanted the floor to open up and swallow him._

_But the man showed no cruelty or judgement, he just smiled back at Alec and it was simple, easy…natural. “That you are. I’m Magnus Bane, owner of this fine establishment. And who might you be?”_

_“Alec. Alec Lightwood.”_

_“Ah, so you’re the infamous Alec that Clary has been dying to set me up with. I can confidently say I should’ve given into her pleading sooner,” Magnus winked and Alec absolutely wanted to die._

_“That sounds like Clary,” Alec laughed, noticing the way Magnus’s eyes seemed to light up when he did. He’d known this man for maybe two minutes, but it was enough time for Alec to know that he wanted him._

_Possibly forever._

Alec wiped away the hot tears that had resulted from reliving the first time he ever met Magnus. His white dress shirt was rough as he drug it across the skin of his face, but he didn’t particularly care. 

“Do you want to leave? I’m sure Clary would understand,” Elijah whispered in Alec’s ear. 

With a bit of determination Alec didn’t know he had, he shook his head. 

At that moment, Magnus looked over, the laughter immediately dying on his lips. His eyes shifted from Alec to Elijah, then back to Elijah. The man next to him continued talking, but it was obvious that Magnus was no longer listening to a word coming out of his mouth. 

Alec offered a small smile and turned away, walking toward Simon and Isabelle. He didn’t know if he could take looking at Magnus much longer, the pain was becoming unbearable. All he wanted was for Magnus to understand how sorry he was, and how much he couldn’t live without him. 

Magnus said he wanted Alec to be happy, but Magnus couldn’t seem to understand that the only way that would ever be possible was if Alec had Magnus. Elijah couldn’t make him happy, there were no romantic feelings between the two of them. And even if there had been, it would never compare to what existed between he and Magnus. 

No matter how hard he tried, it would always, _always_ be Magnus. 


	4. part four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, now you know.  
> this was supposed to be all in part three, but since things didn't work out as planned, i had to split them into two.  
> you get two updates back to back!  
> this may be harsh or triggering for some to read, but you've been warned  
> (of course original credit for the "i don't want the world. i want you" line goes to cassandra clare)  
> -el
> 
> I'm now taking fic requests over on my writing twitter, so, check it out!  
> twitter: @acklesalec  
> writing twitter: @harryclary

Sneaking up on Isabelle was next to impossible. Alec had walked up behind her very quietly and very slowly in an attempt to startle her, but she was spinning around on five inch heels to face him quicker than he could blink. 

“You know that doesn’t work. Why do you still try?” Isabelle asked, rolling her eyes fondly. 

Alec couldn’t help but notice that Isabelle wasn’t holding a glass of wine. It was odd since she had been drinking at the club only a few days prior and the wine they were serving was her favorite. He shrugged, assuming it was possible that she just didn’t feel well. “Determination is a great quality,” Alec replied and ruffled his sister’s hair. He quickly patted Simon on the back in greeting, to which he received a nod and a “hey, man.” 

Elijah slid up beside Alec, giving him a small look of pity. It was a look Alec was tired of seeing. He slapped a fake smile on his face in an attempt to appear okay and looked at his friends. Clary and Jace had stumbled over and they were now all in a big circle, something they tended to do subconsciously.

“Alright, Izzy. Alec is here now, so what’s the news you needed to share with us?” Jace asked as he slid his arm around Clary’s waist, where it seemed to rest perfectly. 

Alec was aware of Magnus’s presence, and he was aware of the fact that Magnus was currently watching them. This was a fact that both excited and unnerved Alec. It also sparked a little bit of hope, which was a dangerous thing to dance with. 

Isabelle gripped Simon’s hand in hers, a wide smile stretching across her face. “As you all know, when Simon and I got married, we said we wanted to have a family and well, I’m pregnant!” she exclaimed and her smile was brighter than the light of a thousand suns. 

For a moment, Alec stood frozen, his body unable to catch up with the pure joy his brain was experiencing. Clary shrieked, her hands flying to her mouth in shock as everyone in the gallery turned to look at them. 

Alec caught the look of confusion on Magnus’s face before everything came rushing through him at once. He surged forward, wrapping his arms around Isabelle’s waist in a tight hug and lifting her off of the ground. They spun in a gleeful circle, laughter pouring from both of their mouths. 

When Alec put Isabelle’s feet back on the ground, her eyes were bright. “That’s so great, Iz! Oh my God, I’m going to be an uncle!” 

“Oh my God,” Clary sobbed and opened her arms to Isabelle, the two girls colliding in a tight embrace. 

Jace was stepping back from Simon when Alec wrapped his arms around his brother-in-law. “Congratulations,” he said, giving Simon a squeeze before releasing him. 

“Thanks,” Simon responded, his grin equally as wide as Isabelle’s had been. 

Elijah had stepped up and was now chatting excitedly with Simon, so Alec took a step back to watch his friends. His eyes flitting quickly to Magnus was an action completely out of his control; it was just something that happened naturally. 

He pulled his eyes away, soaking in the joy that was radiating from his circle of friends. He watched the overjoyed discussion going on among Clary, Isabelle, and Jace, and the still very excited conversation happening between Elijah and Simon. 

_Magnus should be over here,_ he thought to himself. Something about the moment felt off, wrong, without Magnus by his side celebrating. 

Suddenly, it was ridiculously hot in the gallery and Alec’s tie seemed unbearably tight. He muttered that he was going to get some air before heading to the back of the gallery where he knew a door opened into an alleyway. 

He welcomed the cold winter air against his overheated skin, and was glad he’d decided to leave his coat inside. With quick fingers, he loosened his tie, pulling it away from his neck and letting it hang haphazardly down his chest.

Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back, breathing in deeply. When he opened his eyes, he’d half expected to see the stars like he’d been able to in Avignon in France; but, he was soon reminded by the cloud of fog and smoke overhead that he wasn’t in France. He was back in New York with the one person he loved more than anything in the next room and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. 

Absentmindedly, he scuffed his pristine dress shoes against the brick wall, hoping to mess them up a little bit just to give him something to do. 

“You’re going to catch a cold out here without a jacket on,” a voice said, startling Alec and causing him to brace himself against the wall. He knew the voice, it was the voice he’d never forget. He turned around to see Magnus standing in the doorway, the light from the gallery causing him to be nothing more than a silhouette. 

“But then again, you always were stubborn when it came to keeping jackets on,” Magnus continued, stepping out into the alleyway and letting the door fall behind him, shutting with an obnoxious bang that made Alec wince. 

Alec wanted to say something in response, but all the words died on his tongue when Magnus came into view, light no longer casting a shadow. He was gold, shining brighter than ever and making Alec weak in the knees. He was momentarily grateful for the wall he was leaning against.

“I, um, uh. I-I got a little warm in there. Just came out here to cool off,” Alec finally spluttered out, feeling like an idiot. 

Magnus nodded, crossing his arms over his chest and stepping closer to Alec. “So, what’s the big news?” he asked. 

Isabelle. This was good. This was something Alec could talk about without turning into a rambling mess about how sorry he was and how much he loved Magnus and how much he just wanted to try again. “Izzy’s pregnant,” Alec said with a small smile, removing his hand from the wall and letting his back hit it instead. He crossed his ankles in front of him, trying to appear nonchalant. 

Magnus grinned, a sight Alec had missed a painful amount. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for she and Sheldon.” 

Alec found himself saying, “it’s Simon,” before he could stop it. It’d become a joke-like game years ago when Magnus was first officially introduced to the group. Magnus called Simon every “S” name in the book besides Simon, and whoever said “it’s Simon” last, had to pay for drinks the next time they all went out. 

Magnus’s grin widened and he looked down at his shoes, then looked back up at Alec. If Alec had been starting to get chilly, he definitely wasn’t now. The heat of Magnus’s gaze was so intense, he was afraid he might turn into ash. 

“I see you brought your boyfriend along,” Magnus mused, pretending not to care but it wasn’t working. 

“For the last time, he’s not my boyfriend,” Alec sighed and kicked a rock on the ground, sending it flying down the alley. 

Magnus took a deep breath. “Then what is he, exactly?” 

“We met when I got to London. He was my journalism partner for the six months I was abroad and he decided to come to the states for a little while. We became really good friends and I offered to let him stay with me while he’s in New York.” Alec really didn’t want to get into the specifics with Magnus, and he hoped if he gave a half-assed answer, that Magnus would just let it go. But things could never be that simple. 

“That’s some friend you got there,” Magnus laughed bitterly. 

“Careful, Magnus. Your jealousy is showing,” Alec spit back. Of course this is where they ended up. In typical Alec and Magnus fashion, fighting and throwing hurtful comments at each other in an attempt to protect themselves. 

“Seriously, Alec. What are you doing with him then? This isn’t like you,” Magnus said, taking a step closer to Alec. 

Alec pushed down the urge to close himself off, feeling it building in the pit of his stomach. Even if it was going as civilly as planned, it was what Alec wanted. For them to talk. But this was something that he didn’t know if he could talk about. He was ashamed that’d he let himself fall into such an unhealthy habit. “It’s nothing. We were just having fun at the club that night.” 

Magnus took yet another step closer, standing toe-to-toe with Alec. “Look who you’re talking to. You can’t lie to me, but nice try.” 

Alec shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough. You wanted to talk, so talk,” Magnus prodded. His eyes were intensely focused on Alec, but Alec wouldn’t meet his gaze. Alec was looking down and biting his bottom lip to try to keep it from trembling. “Just help me understand, please,” Magnus added, softly this time. 

Alec stayed silent. 

“Do you know how bad it hurts seeing you with him? Do you have any idea what that does to me?” 

“Not that I moved on with him, but since we’re on the subject. Did you expect me to be alone for the rest of my life?” Alec looked up. 

“No,” Magnus stomped his foot in frustration, resembling a child. “I just selfishly don’t want you to be with anyone else but me.” 

Alec threw his hands up in the air. “I’ve been trying to work things out between us and to _explain_ , but you-“ 

“Because you deserve better, Alec! You deserve the world and I can’t give you that!” Magnus yelled. 

“I don’t want the world, I want you.” The statement was so simple, so matter-of-fact. But it was the truest thing Alec had ever spoken. He averted his gaze back to the ground, but it didn’t last long. Within seconds, Magnus had their mouths pressed together. 

Alec gasped in shock, his mind a whirlwind of confusion. His hands gripped at the thick material of Magnus’s jacket and he pulled him closer. For six months, he’d dreamt of this moment. All he could ever think about was being able to kiss Magnus again. And now it was here. And it was fast and messy and passionate and _it didn’t make any sense_. 

Cold fingers cupped the sides of Alec’s face, but he didn’t care. All the pain and heartache he’d been feeling over the past six months seemed to disappear between battling mouths. The moment was surreal, perfect, everything Alec could have hoped for. As quickly as they had come together, they sprang apart due to Magnus pushing himself back. 

“Why’d you stop?” Alec asked, his chest heaving a little. 

“Because I can’t do this,” Magnus replied breathlessly. 

Red seemed to be blurring the edges of Alec’s vision. “Fuck, Magnus! You can’t _do_ stuff like that!” 

“I need to know what happened with you and Elijah. I can’t get past knowing he’s kissed you, touched you…and not knowing why,” Magnus said calmly. 

Whatever thin rope of sanity Alec had been hanging onto snapped clean in half, letting him fall deep into the dark pits of rage. Despite the temperature outside, his entire body was hot. Anger was coursing through his veins like liquid fire, flames licking at his heart. 

When Alec spoke, his voice was eerily calm. Scary calm. “We used each other. We drunkenly fucked one night about two months in and when I said your name instead of his, well, that prompted a conversation.”

Magnus’s eyes were beginning to widen. “Alec-“ 

“No, you wanted to hear. You’re gonna hear,” Alec said sternly. “We were good friends by that point, so I told him about you. I told him everything. He said he didn’t mind if I used him sometimes to pretend it was you, if that’s what I needed. He pretended I was someone else most of the time, too.” Alec was trying to ignore the tears falling down Magnus’s face, and the tears welling up in his own eyes as he continued to speak. 

“It started off as just sexual stuff, but then it became casual things like holding hands and dancing in clubs that I used him for as well. It hurt _so_ bad, Magnus. I can’t say the first time I slept with Elijah that I wasn’t trying to get rid of the pain and move on, because I was. But after that night, I realized it would only ever be you.”

Alec had started pacing around the dark alley, not knowing what else to do with himself and the growing anger he was beginning to feel toward Magnus in particular. Reciting what had happened between he and Elijah made him feel dirty, pathetic and he couldn’t stop his body’s reaction from blaming it on Magnus even though he knew it was his fault as well. “The pain was just overwhelming and I wasn’t able to do my job. I wasn’t able to do the fucking thing I gave my life up for. My agreement with Elijah helped that.” Alec sighed, the anger having finally boiled over. “I don’t know what you did to cope with the pain, but I know what I did. I slept with someone repeatedly and closed my eyes and cried and pretended it was you! That’s what I did, Magnus!” Alec screamed, not caring if all of Manhattan heard him. 

Magnus was standing in front of Alec, looking completely distraught. It was obvious he didn’t know what to say or if there was even anything _to_ say.

Pain was gripping Alec like a vice and he needed to be somewhere, anywhere but where he was. He found himself turning away from Magnus and storming back into the gallery, not being able to stop. His friends were in the same spot he’d left them in, and he walked to them quickly. 

“There you are! You just disappeared and we-“ Jace started, but abruptly stopped.

The group seemed shocked at his disheveled appearance, and Isabelle’s face was etched with concern when she noticed the tear stains on Alec’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, Clary, but I have to go,” he said. 

“Are you okay?” Clary asked, taking a step forward. 

Alec nodded. “I just need to go home.” 

It was obvious that no one believed him, but reluctantly, they let him go. He walked out onto the street, waiting for Elijah to follow him. The last time he’d felt like this was the night of the fight that ended it all. 

_“We’ve been at this for hours. It’s never going to work between us. Just take the fucking job, Alec!” Magnus screamed, throwing a pillow at Alec’s head._

_Alec dodged the flying pillow and shot Magnus a glare. They were standing on opposite ends of the couch, faces red with fury. “Why are you so insistent that I take this job? Is it because you don’t want to be with me anymore?”  
_

_“Oh, here you go with this bullshit,” Magnus rolled his eyes._

_“Our relationship is bullshit to you?” Alec asked, his voice incredibly loud._

_“That’s not even what I said!”_

_Alec sat down on the couch, burying his face in his hands and screaming into his palms. “I just don’t understand why this has to mean the end of our relationship.”_

_“You never understand anything because you’re a fucking idiot! It’s not always about_ you! _For three years, I’ve done nothing but try to make you happy and for once, I need to think about myself! Going to Europe with you to sit around while you go off writing your stupid little articles that aren’t even any good won’t make me happy!” Magnus screamed and threw a book. It crashed into wall with a loud_ bang _. As soon as the words left Magnus’s mouth, the regret was visible on his face._

_“Wow. Just wow.” Alec stood up, hastily making his way into their bedroom. He pulled his suitcase out and tossed it on the bed, starting to randomly grab clothes and throw them into it. He didn’t know how long it was going to take for Magnus to follow him._

_The sound of footsteps finally stopped at the door to their bedroom, and Alec briefly glanced at Magnus, not stopping his packing._

_“You’re leaving?” Magnus asked, voice quiet._

_Alec was incredulous. “Yes, I’m leaving, Magnus. We’ve been fighting for hours and I’m_ tired. _You aren’t budging and you can’t really expect me to fucking give up everything for someone who doesn’t even care enough about the relationship to at least try and make things work. You stay here with your piece of shit art gallery and your fucking cats and I’ll go to Europe to write my ‘stupid little articles.’”_

_Magnus flinched, his whole body jerking. “Fuck you. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re leaving. I won’t have to deal with you anymore.” Magnus felt like the guilt was going to eat him alive, but he had to end this for Alec’s sake. After that, he stood in silence and watched Alec pack all of his belongings that he could into three suitcases and a duffle bag._

_Alec either had nothing to say in response to what Magnus said, or he was choosing not to say anything about it. “Jace and Simon will come by later this week to get the rest of my things. I’ll call Lydia and tell her I’m going. I’ll be on the first flight out,” Alec said, his voice cracking and shaking. Magnus knew him well enough to know that this was a clear sign Alec was fighting back tears._

_“Alec, wait,” Magnus whispered and walked until he was standing in front of Alec. He rested his hands on Alec’s chest, looking up at him._

_Alec closed his eyes, exhaling loudly. “Don’t. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”_

_Magnus let out a choked sob, ignoring Alec’s instructions and throwing his arms around the man anyway. Alec responded by slowly wrapping his arms around Magnus and burying his head in the crook of Magnus’s neck. And then, he let himself cry._

_His entire body shook in Magnus’s arms and he was vaguely aware of the soothing sounds Magnus was making. No words were needed in that moment. The embrace said everything they needed to say. It was their goodbye without actually having to say the words._

_After an unknown amount of time, they broke apart and Alec hauled most of his things downstairs to the cab he had waiting. When he came back up for the rest of his bags, he could barely look at Magnus. At the door, he bent down to give Church a scratch on the head._

_Finally, Alec looked over his shoulder at Magnus, allowing himself one last glance. A million memories came rushing back at once and he shoved them to the side. He’d fall apart later. He gave Magnus a sad smile that Magnus didn’t return._

_He opened the door and stepped into the hallway for the last time. And if his knees gave out and he fell to the ground as soon as the door closed, no one had to know._


	5. part five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i'm sorry this took so long.   
> there's something i need to say here. there is someone who has been sending horrible comments in response to this story, and i'd just like to say that if you don't like it, please go read something that you do like. i do not write to please people, i write for myself and make the choice to share my writing with you. if you want something written a certain way, do a commission or write it yourself. my personal stories will be written how i want them written, and if you don't like that, then you can very easily avoid my writing. your comments do not make me want to change how i write, if anything, it only pisses me off and makes me want to write with even less reservation. so, i think whatever plan you had backfired.  
> i've been scared to post this due to fear of receiving more hateful comments, but i've decided that a few trolls just aren't worth it.   
> this chapter is dedicated to sinem (@izzytoubia on twitter) for her endless support and kind comments that make my day.   
> enjoy.  
> -el  
> (writing twitter: @harryclary ; main twitter: @acklesalec)

Magnus was trying really hard to ignore the stares he was receiving from Catarina. 

The minute he arrived home from the art exhibit, he’d called her over because there were so many unwelcome thoughts running through his head and he didn’t want to be alone. Being the wonderful person and friend that she was, Catarina had arrived only ten minutes later ready and willing to listen.

Magnus rolled his eyes as Church jumped off of his lap, strutting off to most likely destroy something expensive, as per usual. “You touch my new shoes and I won’t hesitate to kill you,” Magnus hissed after the cat. He was pretty sure he caught an eye-roll. 

He turned back to Catarina. “I just don’t know what to do. Should I even try to talk to him or give him space?” 

Catarina took a sip of the drink in her hand, rolling her eyes to the ceiling as she did so. “The last thing you two need right now is space. You need to stop running away from each other and just figure this out.” 

“Cat,” Magnus sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. “I can’t help but feel guilty. This is partly my fault. It’s my fault that he ended up doing what he did with Elijah.” 

Catarina set her drink down and turned to look at Magnus. She grabbed his hands in hers and forced him to look at her. “While it may be partly your fault that things ended the way they did, Alec’s decisions were completely his. It was not you personally that influenced those decisions, but rather what happened.” 

“How does that make it any less my fault? It was partly my fault that we broke up, therefore, it’s partly my fault that he threw himself away like he was worthless.” Magnus knew that it didn’t matter what Catarina said next, there was no way in hell he was ever going to stop blaming himself. Alec had just looked so broken and Magnus had _no idea_ how hard things had been for him over the past six months. He felt terrible and he didn’t know how he was supposed to face Alec again.

A loud sigh left Catarina. “I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you that it’s not your fault, because it doesn’t matter what I say, you’re not going to believe me.” 

Magnus started to protest, but his friend held up a finger, silencing him. 

“However, I will ask you, do you want to be with Alec or not?” 

It was at that moment that Magnus realized he hadn’t truly stopped to think about whether getting back together with Alec was actually what he wanted or not. He’d been so caught up in the emotions he was feeling, that he didn’t even consider what he really wanted. 

He thought of the way Alec’s eyes lit up when he smiled, the sound of his laughter, the way his hands felt against Magnus’s skin, the way he kissed with his entire body, how he loved so fiercely and relentlessly, and Magnus knew. He knew that there was no doubt in his mind that Alec was the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with.

But life was never that simple. 

“Yes, of course I do.” 

“Then what’s stopping you?” 

“We’ve both said things…done things. We need to work on ourselves individually before we can even begin to work on ourselves as a couple.” Magnus grabbed Catarina’s drink from the table where she’d placed it and gulped the rest of it down, wincing a bit as it burned his throat. “But I want Alec to know that there’s still a chance for us, it’s just going to take a lot of work.” 

There was a bit of a pause while Catarina seemed to be thinking to herself. Magnus felt slightly uncomfortable, but he was also anxious to hear her response. 

With complete sincerity in her voice, Catarina spoke. “Go tell him that, not me.” 

Magnus didn’t allow himself time to think or to talk himself out of what he was about to do, he just took a deep breath and dialed Isabelle’s number.

* * *

Alec was drained.

He laid on the bed of the pull-out couch in his new (scarcely decorated) apartment, staring at the ceiling fan and watching it spin around and around. Since Elijah was currently staying with him for the time being, he allowed Elijah to take the bedroom while he stayed in the living room. 

He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d given up his own bedroom. Maybe because it was the kind thing to do or maybe because it felt too empty without Magnus. 

No amount of time spent staring at the ceiling could stop the spreading ache in his chest. He felt as if someone had plunged a knife into his heart and they were steadily twisting it for fun. 

Alec was currently regretting yelling at Magnus in the alleyway and spilling everything he’d put himself through. There was no way that was going to help matters at all. If anything, he’d just made them exponentially worse.

Every part of him just wanted to back to last winter when everything was seemingly perfect. 

_Alec smiled to himself as he trudged sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. He stopped at the archway, leaning against it to watch his boyfriend._

_Magnus was already up, making coffee for Alec and tea for himself. He was wearing a reindeer onesie and humming Christmas music to himself as he poured cream into Alec’s mug of coffee._

_“Good-morning,” Alec said, voice rough and tired._

_Magnus jumped and swiftly turned around , almost knocking off the full mugs in the process. “Christ, Alec! You’re like a damn mouse, I swear. Sneaking up on me like you don’t know I’m clumsy and have hot beverages in front of me.”_

_Alec rolled his eyes playfully and pushed off of the arch to walk over to Magnus. He let his arms snake around Magnus’s middle and brought his lips down to the shell of Magnus’s ear. “Let me try that again,” he whispered, “good-morning.”_

_He allowed himself be pushed back just enough for Magnus to stand on his toes and press a kiss to Alec’s mouth._

_“Good-morning, darling,” Magnus responded, kissing Alec again quickly before continuing. “It would have been a better morning if you just would have stayed in bed a little bit longer. I was going to bring you coffee and then we were going to have lazy morning sex.”_

_Alec raised his eyebrows as he looked down at Magnus. “I can definitely go get back in bed and pretend to be asleep.”_

_Bright laughter escaped Magnus and he rested his head on Alec’s shoulder. “I’m afraid you missed your opportunity.”_

_“Nope,” Alec said, pushing Magnus away and backing up slowly in the direction of their bedroom. “You never saw me. I was never awake.”_

_“I didn’t see anything,” Magnus winked and started laughing as Alec turned on his heel to run to their bedroom._

_Alec dived under the covers the second he made it into the room, slamming his head down onto the pillow and closing his eyes. Mere seconds later, he heard Magnus’s footsteps on the floor and the sound of glass mugs being set down on the bedside table. He felt the bed dip and bit his lip to hide his smile when Magnus’s hand touched his face._

_“It’s time to wake up,” Magnus sang lowly, pressing a kiss to Alec’s cheek._

_Alec pretended to yawn and rub at his eyes before turning on his side to face Magnus. He opened his eyes slowly and couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. “What time is it?” he asked._

_“Time to wake up,” Magnus replied, a smile making its way across his face as well. “I made you coffee.”_

_Alec reached out, grabbing Magnus and pulling him down on top of himself. “That’s very kind of you, but I think I’d rather something else.”_

_Magnus pressed their mouths together, letting the kiss linger before he answered. “Hmmmm…. I wonder what that could be?”_

_Before either one of them could comprehend it, Alec had them flipped so that he was on top of Magnus. “I guess we’re about to find out.”_

Alec was brought out of his trance by the sound of the bedroom door shutting and wheels on hardwood floor. He sat up quickly, looking over the back of the couch to discover Elijah standing at the door with his bags packed. 

“What’s going on?” Alec asked, shifting himself into a permanent sitting position.

“I’m, uh, headed back to London,” Elijah said and looked awkwardly at the ground.

“ _What?”_ Alec was dumbfounded. “Why?” 

Elijah sighed and set his duffel bag down on the floor before walking over to sit down next to Alec on the makeshift bed. “There’s no place for me here, Alec. I care about you and you know that, but I’m only causing issues. We will never belong together as anything more than friends and I think that’s something you and I are both very aware of.” 

“Elijah, you’re our friend. There’s no way I could have survived the past six months without you. You don’t have to _leave,_ ” said Alec as looked incredulously at Elijah. 

Elijah’s mouth quirked up at the corner in a sort of half smile. “That’s where you’re wrong. You don’t realize how incredibly strong you are. You didn’t need me, you just chose to believe that you did. And I do have to leave. You and Magnus are meant for each other and I desperately hope the two of you work things out sometime soon and stop this ridiculous dance.” 

“I..what?” 

“The way the two of you look at each other and talk about each other, it’s so obvious that the other is who you belong with. You keep dancing around the inevitable and you’re both complete fools if you think you can avoid what’s meant to be.”

Alec sighed, looking down at his hands. “I don’t think Magnus is going to want anything to do with me.” 

“Nonsense. Why would you say that?” 

“I told him…about everything,” Alec laughed bitterly. 

Elijah gripped Alec’s shoulders and forced him to look up. “I don’t think there is anything you could ever say or do that would make Magnus stop loving you. Especially not this. He is completely, head-over-heels in love with you and any idiot can see that. You two are going to have to work for this, but I truly believe it will be worth it.” 

“Thank you,” Alec said and bit his lip for a moment as he thought. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to stop you from leaving, is there?” 

Elijah smiled and chuckled to himself. “No, no there’s not. And I’ve got a cab downstairs waiting on me.” 

Alec didn’t hesitate to reach forward and wrap his arms around Elijah, pulling them together in a friendly embrace. “Be safe. And thank you for everything.” He didn’t know why he felt like crying in that moment, but he had to bite the insides of his cheeks to keep the tears from falling. 

Elijah kissed Alec’s cheek quickly and stood up, grabbing his bags again. Alec watched him as he placed a hand on the door knob and turned it, opening the door. Elijah stopped and turned around to look at Alec one last time. “And Alec, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I hope I never hear from you again.” 

“Noted,” Alec laughed and watched Elijah walk out of his life forever. He tried not to let himself flinch at the sound of the door banging shut behind, punctuating the moment. 

He was alone. 

* * *

Magnus shivered in the cold night air, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat in an attempt to keep himself warm. He’d just gotten off of the train in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, and was walking toward Alec’s new apartment.

Isabelle had been surprised but willing when he’d called her earlier to ask for Alec’s new address. There was of course a bit of an interrogation as Isabelle made sure that Magnus was not in fact on his way to break Alec’s heart even more. But once he explained, she’d been more than willing to pass on the information and wished him luck. 

He read the numbers on the doors as he passed until he found the right one, which had a taxi parked in front of it. With a deep breath, he began to ascend the stairs of the brownstone. He was just about to press the buzzer when the door opened, revealing Elijah with a duffel bag and two suitcases. 

Elijah didn’t look surprised at all to see Magnus. He almost looked as if he’d been expecting it. 

“Elijah,” Magnus said hesitantly, looking at Elijah’s bags then back at him. “Are you leaving?” 

“Yeah, I’m headed back to London. I’m just getting in the way of things by being here,” he replied, offering Magnus a small smile. 

That explained the taxi. “Elijah, I don’t think you’re a bad guy. I don’t hate you and I just want you to know that,” Magnus said.

Elijah held open the door, letting Magnus into the entryway. “I know. But there’s no way you and Alec can work things out with me here. And being together is what the two of you deserve.” 

“Thank you.” 

With a nod, Elijah turned around and started to walk down the steps to the taxi that was waiting for him. Before Magnus could shut the door though, he heard Elijah call his name and he looked back at him. “Just take care of him, yeah?” 

“I will,” Magnus answered and he meant it with everything in him. He was going to take care of Alec for the rest of his life.

He didn’t stick around to see Elijah off, he just took the stairs two at a time to the second floor. There was a pounding in his chest when he reached the landing. He stared at the door, trying to push down the anxiety rising in his throat.

It took everything he had, but he raised his hand, and knocked.


	6. part six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, this wasn't supposed to happen today, so voila.  
> if you don't have anything nice to say, please keep it to yourself. i cannot deal with my personal troll this week, please come back later. you know who you are.  
> this is the last update for about 2 weeks seeing as i'm in college and it's currently dead week (i've been running on coffee and coffee only for 2 days send help) and then next week is exam week. i am super busy and to be honest i feel like wonder woman for getting this up today.  
> christmas break will bring lots of fun for everyone!!! (aka updates)  
> special thanks to @rowslightwood on twitter for taking the time to beta this  
> also, you can follow me on twitter to keep up with everything if you want to talk to me before the 2 weeks are up! (writing twitter: @harryclary main twitter: @acklesalec)  
> see you in 2 weeks!  
> -el

In the fifteen seconds it took Alec to open the door, Magnus had turned around to walk down the stairs and turned back to Alec’s door four times. He was on the fifth when the door swung open, revealing Alec in a halo of disheveled glory. Magnus thought he looked beautiful, under-eye bags, wrinkled t-shirt and all. 

Magnus had been expecting some sort of reaction out of Alec. Widening eyes, mouth parting, just _something_. What he wasn’t expecting was for Alec to turn around and walk back to his half put-up pull-out couch, leaving the door open behind him. 

“Can I come in?” Magnus said, his voice cracking a little. He mentally kicked himself for allowing his nerves to break through. 

“That’s normally what an open door means, isn’t it?” Alec responded as he lifted the metal railings and pushed the bed back into the couch. 

Magnus watched the muscles in Alec’s back strain a little against his t-shirt as he bent over to pick up the black couch cushions. He couldn’t help himself. His eyes were so accustomed to the way Alec’s body moved that watching him was like coming home after being away for years. It was something he knew so well, there was no way he could possibly forget any detail. 

Alec wasn’t talking. He just kept moving around, fixing cushions, folding blankets, putting up sheets, anything to keep his hands busy. Magnus wasn’t a fool. He knew Alec’s nervous habits when he saw them. He also knew that he was going to have to be the one to talk first, since Alec had no idea why he was there.

“I wanted to apologize for how I behaved earlier tonight,” Magnus started, nervously twisting his hands together and wincing a little bit as a few of his rings pinched his skin. 

Almost immediately, Alec’s head jerked up from it’s previous position. He’d been intently focused on picking some fuzz off of the back of the couch, but no longer seemed interested. “For how _you_ behaved? Magnus, I’m the one who completely freaked out and ran away.” 

“But I pushed you when I shouldn’t have…and I kissed you when I knew it would only complicate things further.” Magnus took it upon himself to take a seat on Alec’s newly reassembled couch. 

It didn’t take Alec long to sit down next to him, albeit more than a few inches away. “How did you know where I live?” 

Leave it to Alec to completely disregard Magnus’s statement and take the conversation in his own direction. Magnus sighed, hoping he wasn’t betraying Isabelle in some odd way. “I called Izzy.” 

“She actually told you?” Alec raised his eyebrows so high, Magnus thought they might jump right off of his head. “That’s surprising. She’s been overly protective of me since I got back.” 

Magnus chuckled lightly to himself, knowing good and well that it was exactly like Isabelle to be protective of her big brother. She was fierce in her love, just like Alec. It was a fierceness Magnus knew better than he knew himself. “Well, once I told her why I was coming here, she gave it up willingly.” 

“Why are you?” Alec asked. “Here, I mean.” 

“We need to talk. _Really_ talk.” Magnus squeezed his eyes shut when he realized how he’d phrased things. He guessed almost immediately what Alec’s response was going to be, and he wasn’t surprised when he was right. 

Alec threw his hands up in exasperation. “Because that’s not what I’ve been saying practically since I landed.” 

“The difference is, now I’m willing to talk. Now I know that this is a long overdue conversation.” 

When Alec turned to look at Magnus, his eyes were sad. It didn’t matter how many times Magnus had seen that look, it would never stop breaking his heart. Those eyes were meant to be full of light, love, joy…all things Magnus wanted to bring back into Alec’s life, all things Magnus wanted to be the cause of. He couldn’t help it when his eyes began to trail down Alec’s arms, wondering if they would still feel the same wrapped around his body, holding him close. 

This time, when Alec spoke, his voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “You know how I feel. You know I’ve never stopped loving you. Hell, I never will stop loving you. You know I want to be with you. The only thing left to be said is how you feel.” 

“No, Alec. That’s not the only thing left to be said. There’s so much more here than what’s on the surface. You and I both know that it’s not something we can ignore.” 

“What else?” 

Magnus tested the waters, moving closer to Alec slowly and waiting for him to recoil. When he didn’t, Magnus made an even bolder move, letting his hand rise to cup Alec’s face. “What you let yourself do, darling.” 

Alec leaned into Magnus’s touch, closing his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” 

“You don’t have to talk to me about it, but you do have to talk to someone. A therapist, Isabelle, Clary, Jace, hell, even Sherwin—“ 

“It’s Simon,” Alec interrupted, a small smile on his face. 

Magnus laughed and rubbed his thumb against the smooth, familiar skin of Alec’s cheek. “But it’s going to eat you alive if you don’t talk to someone. And it’s something you have to overcome before you could ever allow yourself to be with me again. You might not be able to see that, but I can.” 

Alec’s eyes shot open. They were full of a childlike hope that made Magnus’s heart clench in his chest. “The way you said that just now…You made it sound like there was a chance for us.” 

“There is, but we both have things to work on individually first before we can start to work on us as a couple. You, you have to come back from this. You might be acting like it’s not a big deal, but don’t forget who you’re talking to. I know you better than anyone.” Magnus sighed deeply, lowering his hand from Alec’s cheek. “And me, I have to figure out what the hell I’ve been so insecure about all this time, and where it’s coming from. I need to understand why I pushed you away like I did when there were ways around it.” 

A loud silence followed, making Magnus even more anxious than he’d been before. Alec seemed to be mulling over Magnus’s words, his jaw clenching the way it always did when he was thinking seriously about something. He took a deep breath and drew his eyes up to meet Magnus’s. “So, what? Do we just avoid each other until we have our shit together?” 

“No, I was thinking something more along the lines of being friends. I don’t think I could stay away from you knowing that you were only a train ride away.” 

Alec shook his head as he spoke, “Magnus, I don’t think I can be around you and not kiss you or touch you or hold you. It’s too hard.” 

Magnus had to admit he knew exactly what Alec was talking about. Just sitting here next to Alec was enough to have every single one of his nerve-endings on fire. Electric shock waves seemed to flow through his body whenever Alec was around. He had to physically force himself not to touch Alec the way he so desperately wanted to. “Then we only spend time together when our other friends are present as well.” 

“There has to be another way to do this…a way where I get to have you now,” Alec said. Magnus noticed that Alec’s hands were beginning to shake, but he decided not to say anything about it. 

“I wish there was. And I’m not talking forever, Alec. Two months, maybe. And who knows if we’ll even work again? I’m only saying that there’s a chance.” 

“In two months, I might not even be here. Have you noticed that my apartment is almost completely empty?” 

“I wasn’t going to comment on it, I just thought it was your horrible decorating skills.” Magnus smiled when Alec rolled his eyes fondly. “But what do you mean you might not be here in two months? I thought you were back.” 

Alec forced himself to hold eye contact with Magnus, not allowing himself to look away like he so badly wanted to. “Lydia, she uh, told me I’m in the running for the new head of the Paris office. I’d be moving there permanently if I got the job. And I mean, I’m obviously not going to take it if I have a chance with you. You’re more important than any job, and I realize that now.” 

Magnus closed his eyes, holding back the river of tears that was threatening to break free. “So, not indefinitely like this last trip? Permanently?” 

“Yeah, it would be a permanent relocation until I quit or retired.” 

The old, unwelcome feeling of panic was building in Magnus’s stomach. He found himself transported back to the night everything fell apart, unable to believe it was happening all over again. Just when he thought he might have another chance at happiness. “You’d be running everything? The Big Boss?” 

Alec bit his lip, a nervous habit of his that Magnus was incredibly used to. “I guess that’s one way to put it.” 

Deja vu hit Magnus like a ton of bricks. “Then you have to take it, Alec. This is an incredible opportunity and I’d never forgive myself if I was the reason you didn’t go after it.” 

“Magnus, no. Just tell me if you’re confident we’ll be together again. The only way I would ever take this job is if there was no hope left for you and me. That’s why I didn’t bother unpacking, because I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.” Alec looked terrified. 

“Alec, I don’t know right now. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I want to be with you more than anything, but we just have to see where this goes.” 

“Then I guess we just wait and see where these two months take us.” Alec paused for a moment before he spoke again. It seemed like he was trying to find the right words to say in such a delicate situation. He felt like he was walking on eggshells and it showed on his face. “And I pray that they lead me to you.” 

Magnus couldn’t help it. He let himself shed a few tears. He felt like the universe was playing another cruel trick on him, giving him another chance with Alec, but then placing a limit on the amount of time they had to work things out. And the punishment for not deciding in time would be Alec being ripped away from him for the second and final time. “Alexander,” he sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “Would it be wrong if I asked you to kiss me right now?” 

Alec was practically on top of Magnus within seconds, their noses brushing together as Alec closed his eyes and whispered, “No.” Magnus was the one to close the small gap separating them, their mouths joining together a lot softer than he anticipated. 

Warm, strong, familiar hands slid up Magnus’s back, pulling him into Alec’s lap. “This is a reversed position,” Magnus whispered during a brief moment when they pulled apart. 

“Wanted you to straddle me for once,” Alec laughed and kissed Magnus again. Very slowly, he opened his mouth, allowing Magnus to slip his tongue in. Alec couldn’t help the small moan that escaped as a shiver ran down his spine. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly when Magnus made his way from his mouth to his neck, nipping at the pale skin and then soothing it with his tongue. 

Somewhat forcefully, Alec pulled Magnus’s mouth back to his, crashing their mouths together in a tangle of teeth and tongue. He couldn’t breathe, but he would gladly suffocate if it meant he got to continue kissing Magnus.

Magnus felt his body beginning to heat up to a degree he knew he wouldn’t be able to come back from. Reluctantly, he pulled away, panting against Alec’s neck. “Alexander,” he breathed. “As much as I would love to keep going, we have to stop.” 

“I know.” 

“I should probably go.” 

“Probably.” Alec thought for a minute. “Hey, Magnus?” 

Magnus stopped in the middle of rising from the couch. “Yes?”

”How’d you get in here, anyway?” 

“Oh, I ran into Elijah on the way out.” Magnus tried to read Alec’s facial expression, but it was completely and totally void of emotion. “He’s leaving for good, yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

”Are you okay?”

”Sure.”

Magnus tried not to look at Alec as he straightened out his shirt and walked to the door. “I love you,” he said to the wood of the door. 

“I love you, too,” he heard echoed behind him. 

* * *

Magnus stopped at the staircase, looking down and letting Alec’s words echo in his mind. Words he used to hear daily. Words he’d missed hearing flow out of Alec’s mouth so easily. 

_The sun was just peaking over the horizon when Magnus awoke. Light was barely streaming into his bedroom, but there was just enough to cast a pinkish glow onto the creamy skin of Alec’s back._

_He sighed contently, despite knowing it was only a few minutes shy of five o’clock in the morning. Nothing could make him grumpy when he had the love of his life snoring peacefully (and surprisingly quietly) beside him._

_Absentmindedly, he let his fingers trail up and down Alec’s back, tracing unknown patterns, unspoken declarations of love, and words of admiration._

_“Did you just draw a penis on my back?” Alec asked, his voice muffled by the pillow his face was buried in._

_Magnus laughed, resting his head on Alec’s shoulder. “I think it was supposed to be a flower. It felt like I was drawing male genitalia?”_

_Alec shifted and turned to face Magnus, causing Magnus’s head to fall onto a pillow. “I’m still half asleep, so it could’ve been a flower. It was a flower if you say it was a flower.”_

_“I think a penis would be a lot more interesting.” Magnus smiled softly at Alec and ran a hand up his arm. “What do you say?”_

_Alec closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Magnus, pressing a kiss against his pectoral muscle and sighing. “Penis, flower, doesn’t matter. Either way, I love you.”_

_“That was very random, but I love you, too.”_

_“I love you,” Alec said and kissed Magnus’s skin again. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”_

_“What has gotten into you?” Magnus asked with a light chuckle._

_Alec looked up at Magnus and raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want me to answer that question?”_

_Magnus pretended to think for a moment, earning a fake sigh from Alec. “Hmmm, no.”_

_“Good. I love you.”_

_“I love you, too, Alec.”_

When Magnus made it outside onto the sidewalk, he found himself leaning against a lamppost for support. His heart felt impossibly full, yet completely shattered at the same time. He didn’t know where he and Alec were going, or what they were doing, but he knew that they loved each other. That much was true. 

He just had to hope that would be enough. 


	7. part seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i'm sorry for how long it took me to get this up. i'm also sorry it's a filler and i'm sorry it's so terrible. please see the end of the chapter for further explanation/notes. 
> 
> main twitter: @acklesalec  
> writing twitter: @harryclary   
> tumblr: @claryharry

A week had come and gone since Magnus and Alec sat down and had their long overdue conversation. Magnus had thrown himself into his work at the gallery, because if he wasn’t focused on something, all he would do was think about Alec. 

He decided after a week of text-messaging and short phone calls that it was time to see Alec in person again. So, he arranged for a family dinner, hoping it would be like it was in the past. He’d invited all of their friends and included Catarina and his new assistant, Emma Carstairs, in the list of invites. 

Now, he was running around his kitchen, trying desperately to finish the _nasi goreng_ before people started arriving. He was making an overflowing amount of Indonesian food that his mother had taught him how to cook before she passed away. He settled on Indonesian dishes as a small nod to his roots and also because it was Alec’s favorite thing that Magnus made, _not_ that Magnus would admit that to be one of the reasons if anyone were to ask. 

There was a light, unfamiliar knock on his door and Magnus groaned at the early arrival. He called out to the unknown guest that the door was open, and he heard the sounds of feet across the hardwood floor. 

“Knock, knock,” he heard a female voice say. Magnus turned around to see Emma standing there with what looked to be a pie in her hands. 

“Hello, darling,” he replied with a radiant smile. “What do you have there?” 

Emma looked down at the dish in her hands and shrugged. “I made a key-lime pie. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to bring anything or not.”

Magnus couldn’t stop the small giggle that left him. He thought it was endearing that Emma thought to make something for this dinner, knowing good and well if any of his other friends brought anything, it would be Jace and Clary with cheap bottles of wine. 

Emma raised an eyebrow as she set the pie down on the granite counter top in front of her. “Is that a bad thing?” 

“No, dear. It’s just a nice change. They’re going to worship you for this.” 

As soon as Magnus was done speaking, there was another voice. 

“Who are we worshiping and for what?” Jace. 

Magnus tried not to appear as startled as he felt, it had just been a while since Jace walked into his loft unannounced. He tried to seem annoyed, but he missed Jace’s antics if he were being honest.

“Jace, Clary,” Magnus greeted and nodded at the couple. He looked at what they were holding in their hands, and discovered that instead of cheap wine, it was cases of incredibly cheap beer. “May I ask why the change in alcohol?” 

Clary smiled and walked around the counter to give Magnus a greeting kiss on the cheek. “We figured since it’s been a while since we’ve all been together, we’d play True American. Like old times.” 

True American was a drinking game the group had started playing years ago after they’d discovered the American television show _New Girl_. One night after a few too many drinks and a lot of drunken determination, they googled the rules and played until they had mastered it. 

Over the years, they’d added their own twists and turns to it, making the game their own. For example, if someone did not want to drink that night, they would be president and the person to call out certain random tasks for the players to perform. They held all of the power. 

“I’m assuming Isabelle is president tonight, since she’s pregnant,” Magnus said as he turned the burners on the stove off and lifted his “Kiss the Cook” apron over his head.

“When we called her and asked, she said she was in,” Jace answered as he grabbed the case of beer out of Clary’s hands and set it on the floor next to the island. 

“Sounds fun to me,” Emma added.

All three heads turned to face her, and Magnus felt bad for not introducing her sooner. “Clary, Jace, this is Emma Carstairs, my new assistant at the gallery.” 

Clary jumped forward, wrapping her arms around Emma and pulling the blonde girl into a hug. “Hi! Sorry for being so rude. I’m Clary, it’s so nice to meet you!” 

Emma looked slightly shaken, but returned the hug with ease and an amused smile. “Emma,” she answered, patting Clary on the back. 

Another knock sounded on the door, this one extremely familiar and one Magnus would never forget. His stomach began to flip and he tried not to look panicked as he rushed out of the kitchen towards the door.

He paused when he spotted a framed picture of Alec sitting on the mantle above the fireplace, but shook his head and kept walking. There was no point in trying to take all of the pictures down when he knew Alec was already on the other side of the door. 

The usual tidal wave of emotions that accompanied the presence of Alec came washing over Magnus when he opened the door, causing him to stumble back a few steps. The force was so strong, he felt like it could knock him over. He didn’t know if there would ever come a day that Alec didn’t make him feel like he was drowning in love. 

* * *

Alec was smiling and shifting nervously on his feet. Magnus looked as beautiful as he always did, with a barely buttoned maroon tunic and gold jewelry hanging from his neck. His hair was swept to the side instead of in its usual array of spikes, and Alec found himself swooning a little bit.

“Hi,” he said quietly and clasped his hands together behind his back as he didn’t really know what to do with them. He didn’t know what proper friend etiquette was now with Magnus and he just really wanted to get inside so that he could have a drink to calm his continuously rising mountain of nerves. 

Magnus smiled back, striking and almost paralyzing. “Hi, darling.” He moved to the side in one graceful movement to allow Alec entry. 

Alec was vaguely aware of Magnus now standing beside him, but all he could focus on was the fact that absolutely nothing had changed. Magnus hadn’t done any redecorating at all; there were still pictures of him alone, as well as he and Magnus littering the walls and various surfaces around the loft.

It felt warm. It felt familiar. It felt like _home_. 

He’d been wondering since he’d arrived back in New York why he still felt as if he were in a foreign country, and it wasn’t until now that he realized what had been missing. The one true place he ever felt like he belonged. 

He registered Magnus repeating his name and he shook his head gently, forcing himself out of whatever trance he’d been in.

“Are you okay?” Magnus asked, placing a hand on Alec’s sleeve. 

Despite being in a long-sleeved shirt, Alec could still feel the electric shock of Magnus’s touch through the material like it had been skin-to-skin. He shivered and found it in him to nod, muttering a quick, “I’m fine,” before brushing past Magnus to follow the voices he heard coming from the kitchen. 

“-and then he literally ran screaming, from a _duck_. It was the funniest-oh! Alec!” Clary exclaimed when Alec ducked through the entryway. It was a natural, practiced movement since he always had to be careful entering the kitchen or he’d end up whacking his head on the lowered archway. He caught Magnus’s fond grin out of the corner of his eye, and did his best to cover up his own. 

Alec braced himself for the ball of fire that came barreling toward him, tiny arms wrapping around his neck. Clary’s feet were off of the ground at this point, but Alec was used to it when receiving hugs from her. There was no way for her to get her arms around his neck and keep her feet planted. 

“Hey, Clary,” he laughed, ruffling her hair a little bit as he set her down. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Clary whined and took a sip of her wine. 

“It’s been a week,” Alec said and then let his eyes travel to her wine glass. “Are you already drinking? I thought we were playing True American later. You’re getting pre-drunk?” 

Clary rolled her eyes, pretending to be annoyed. “It’s just wine.” 

“Okay, but you’re gonna lose, Fray.”

“Am not, Lightwood.”

Jace stepped between the two, holding his arms out. “Now, now. We all know that both of you are going to lose and I will become the new True American tonight.” 

This time, Clary and Alec both rolled their eyes at the same time. 

“Oh, yeah right. You have never made it through a game without falling in the lava at some point,” Clary said and tipped her wine glass back again. 

Magnus cleared his throat, causing everyone to look at him. “I don’t mean to interrupt this riveting debate, but we do have a new guest I would like to introduce Alexander to.” 

Alec’s head jerked up at the use of his full name, and he didn’t miss the small wink Magnus sent his way. 

“Alec, this is Emma Carstairs, my new assistant at the gallery,” Magnus said and pointed to the pretty blonde girl standing next to Clary. “Emma, this is Alec, my…um, ex-boyfriend.” 

Emma whistled under her breath, noticing the pause in Magnus’s words and the awkward looks that were exchanged among everyone in the room. “Well, I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole. But, it’s nice to meet you,” she said and stepped forward, holding her hand out to Alec in greeting. 

Alec took her hand, shaking it lightly. “Carstairs? As in Carstairs Publishing?”

“Yeah! How did you know?” Emma asked. 

“I’m one of the head journalists with the _Alicante Journal_. We worked with John Carstairs a few years back on a project.” 

Emma’s entire face seemed to brighten at the mention of the name. “That’s my dad!” 

“Seriously? What a small world,” Alec laughed. He glanced over and saw Magnus smiling at him. It felt too familiar, too normal. If Alec concentrated hard enough, he thought he could almost pretend that everything _was_ normal and that he wasn’t in some weird “will we or won’t we” stage with Magnus. 

* * *

After everyone arrived, they were all sat around the table in Magnus’s elaborately decorated dining room. The table was clear glass and the chairs were gold. Red painted the walls, beautiful art work hung, and there was a crystal chandelier swinging from the ceiling, casting a sparkling glow on the reunited group of friends.

Alec remembered many meals being had at this table, among…other not-so-innocent activities involving food. He blushed at the memories and looked down at his plate, pushing the rice around with his fork. It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry, and it wasn’t that he hadn’t realized Magnus made his favorite Indonesian dishes, it was just that he felt so at home, yet so out of place at the same time. It was driving him crazy.

He knew Isabelle could tell something was wrong based on the concerned looks she kept throwing his way, and he knew Magnus could as well by the wary look in his eyes. He was only slightly paying attention the conversation going on at the table, hearing enough to know that it was a fairly lively debate on whether or not Isabelle would have a boy or girl. 

Jace was pushing for twins. 

Alec was sat next to Catarina, who was wearing a smirk he had missed dearly. She noticed his gaze and leaned over, whispering to him. “I know this is uncomfortable for you, but just know that your being here means the world to Magnus. He’s trying.” 

“I know he is,” Alec sighed. “This is just a lot harder than I anticipated.” 

“I believe the two of you will find a way,” Catarina replied with a reassuring smile. 

“At least someone does.” 

“Secrets don’t make friends,” Emma sing-songed, causing a silence to fall and both Alec and Catarina to face the rest of the table. Magnus was wearing an expression that Alec couldn’t quite place, but it wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. 

“But friends make secrets,” Catarina answered. 

“Touche,” Emma laughed and soon the whole table was immersed in friendly conversation again. 

It wasn’t long after that plates were cleared and everyone migrated to the living room, spreading out furniture to create the zones for True American. Alec and Jace carried in the cases of beer, setting them down on the coffee table before cracking them open to set them up. 

“Magnus, the food was delicious,” Emma commented as she grabbed throw pillows to scatter throughout the zones. 

Alec looked up to see Magnus’s reaction to the compliment, feeling slightly guilty that he hadn’t given Magnus one himself. Magnus beamed, clearly proud of himself. “Thank you, darling,” he said. “I try my best.” 

“Okay, so Isabelle is going to be President, since she’s pregnant,” Simon said after the zones had been established and the castle built. “Everyone else, grab a beer. We’re shotgunning for first turn.” 

“Wait, what exactly is this game?” Emma asked, grabbing a left-over beer from one of the boxes and moving to stand in the line the group had formed. 

“In the words of one Jessica Day, ‘It’s fifty percent drinking game, fifty percent life-size Candy Land,’” Clary responded and grabbed her own beer before taking a spot next to Emma. 

“You’ll figure it out as we go, just don’t touch the floor. It’s lava,” Simon added. 

One by one, each person poked a hole on the bottom side of their beer can. When everyone was finished, Isabelle counted down from three, and then they began. 

Alec had become somewhat of an expert at shotgunning beers over the years they’d spent playing this game, so no one was surprised when he was the first one to finish. He crumpled his can and threw it to the side, where the junkyard was. “One, two, three, four, JFK!” he yelled, running to jump onto the couch. 

A collective, “FDR!” was yelled and then everyone had grabbed a pawn (beer) from the castle and taken their spot on some surface that was not the floor. 

Since it was Alec’s turn, he decided to go with finishing a quote as his move. “I’m all out of love!” he said.

“I’m so lost without you!” Emma screamed, taking a swig of her beer.

“See! You’re already catching on!” Simon said at the same time Jace said, “ _Air Supply?_ Really, Alec?”

Alec laughed, moving counter-clockwise one spot. “Emma, you get to move a spot, too.” 

“Don’t touch the lava!” Clary called out, teetering a bit on her stool.

Emma saluted Clary in understanding and started to move, crossing into zone three. 

The same thing went on for a while, everyone moving and grabbing a pawn as they went, getting more intoxicated with each second that passed. 

At this point, it was Alec’s turn to move and there was only one place to go in front of him, which just so happened to be the same chair that Magnus was standing on. He stepped forward, his body crashing into Magnus and causing the chair to wobble. 

Without hesitation, Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec and pulled him closely, their bodies pressed together tightly. Alec couldn’t help it when his eyes flickered to Magnus’s lips and then back to his eyes, noticing that they were already fixed on him. 

Isabelle seemed to notice the tension and obviously panicked, calling out “Watergate!” Everyone immediately slapped a number to their heads, including Alec and Emma. Magnus was too caught up in staring at Alec to realize what had happened. “Okay, you know the rules. Magnus, you have to say two truths and one lie. If we can’t tell when you’re lying, you’re free. If not, you’re Nixon and must resign from the game.” 

Magnus cursed, his words slightly slurred. “Um, okay. I’m from Indonesia, I have a third cat, and I was going to propose to Alec.” 

Alec’s heart jumped into his throat and he thought he might fall backwards off of the chair. That had to be the lie, there was no way there was any truth to Magnus’s last statement. 

“Okay, obviously the lie is that you were going to propose to Alec because I would have known,” Jace said confidently. 

“Yeah,” Clary nodded in agreement from her spot next to Isabelle (she’d lost the game about ten minutes in). 

“Well, is that the answer you’re all going with?” Isabelle asked, looking around at everyone else who hadn’t spoken up yet. 

Everyone nodded except Catarina, but no one seemed to notice her lack of a response. 

Magnus smiled and swayed on the chair. “Wrong. I don’t have another cat.” 

Alec could feel all of the blood drain from his face. The room started to spin and he barely registered the beer slipping out of his grasp. Was that why Magnus had been so upset when Alec got offered the promotion? Could it be true? Did Magnus have plans for their future that Alec had unknowingly ruined? 

He knew for certain that he definitely wasn’t drunk anymore, the news sobering him up almost instantly. He stepped down from the chair, ignoring the protests and yells that he had just disqualified himself. “I, uh, need some air,” he said and brushed off Isabelle as she tried to stop him. 

* * *

It took Magnus a second to realize what he had just done.

He let it out. 

Alec knew. 

_Everyone_ knew. 

“Should someone go after him?” Emma asked, her voice full of worry. 

Slowly, each person stepped off of whatever piece of furniture they’d been standing on, moving to form a small group by Isabelle and Clary. They were all staring with concerned faces at Magnus, who hadn’t moved an inch since Alec walked off. 

“I think the only person that would do any good for him right now is currently frozen in place,” Jace said and tilted his head, squinting at Magnus. 

“Well, should we get him down? I don’t think he’s blinked,” Emma continued. 

Magnus was aware of his friends speaking amongst themselves, but he didn’t want to move. He hoped if he stood there long enough, it would all become a dream or maybe he’d figure out a way to go back in time somehow. Anything to take back what he had just done. 

He was terrified of the way Alec was going to react, and things weren’t looking too great as it was. 

“Magnus, honey,” Catarina said and slowly took his hands. “I know you don’t want to, but you need to go talk to Alec.” 

Magnus looked down at his friend and nodded. He knew she was right, he just really wished she wasn’t. He let her help him down from the chair and ignored everyone’s worried stares as he left the living room to walk out onto the balcony. Even though he hadn’t seen Alec leave the room, somehow he knew exactly where he’d be. 

Alec was standing with his arms braced against the railing, his pale skin glowing in the moonlight and his black hair looking darker than ever against the shining of the city lights. Magnus sighed, remembering many times he’d found Alec out here in the middle of the night. It was always the place he’d gone to think or to calm down after a fight. 

Magnus tried not to startle Alec as he walked up behind him and placed a gentle hand on the small of his back. He was still technically intoxicated physically, but mentally, everything was clear. He knew he’d hurt Alec with his confession and now it was time to do damage control. 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Alec asked, not shifting his gaze from the twinkling skyline. 

“I didn’t want you to find out like that. I don’t know why I even said it,” Magnus answered and mirrored Alec’s position, resting his body against the railing and staring out at the beautifully blinding city before him. “How pissed are you?”

Alec drew his lip into his mouth, biting down and closing his eyes. “I’m not angry, Magnus. Just confused.” 

Magnus thought that was fair, considering. “What are you confused about?” He had to know specifically, because more than anything, he wanted to answer any questions Alec had. 

“Why didn’t you propose? I would have said yes.” 

A sharp pain shot through Magnus’s chest and he tried not to let it show on his face. “I know you would have. That’s why I didn’t.”

“What?”   


“I’ve said it so many times, Alexander. I didn’t want to hold you back and I didn’t want you to feel obligated to stay in New York. Proposing would have made your decision all the more difficult, and that’s the last thing I wanted.” 

With that statement, Alec’s entire body seemed to deflate. “We really screwed up, didn’t we?” 

“Yeah, we did. But I want you to know that I’m glad you ignored my childish antics and still took that job. You deserved it.” Magnus looked over at Alec. 

Alec didn’t say anything for a moment. Instead, he turned to face Magnus and opened his arms, allowing Magnus to fall into them. “I was foolish to not fight harder for you. For the long-distance.” 

Magnus’s voice was muffled by the fabric of Alec’s shirt when he spoke. “We both made mistakes, Alec. We both handled the situation entirely wrong and it’s put us in the position we’re in now.” Magnus squeezed his arms around Alec. 

“Accepting that doesn’t make this any less painful.” 

“I don’t know how, but we’ll get through this, darling. We have to.”

Alec pressed a soft kiss to the top of Magnus's head, relieved to hear those words come from his mouth. "We should probably get back inside."   


"Yes, Emma's made a pie. We should see if it's worth all of the bragging she's been doing." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there you have it, a shitty, shitty chapter.   
> so, i think there's only going to be one more chapter of this. there were originally only supposed to be 5, which is how i should have left it because now it's just being drug out into baseless shit and i hate it. i don't have any juice left for this story.   
> also, my depression has gotten worse than ever these past few weeks and we're trying to get a handle on it ("we" being my family and my doctors) but i don't know how long that's going to take. after the last part goes up, that might be it from me for a while because i seriously need to take care of myself. i don't have the energy to create anymore, to write. which depresses me even further. and feeling obligated to write and to get a chapter up is only making this worse. it's not anything y'all are doing, i'm putting the pressure on myself. 
> 
> i do have another fic planned, it will be titled "These Wild Oceans" and i can give you a short summary:   
> The Lightwoods are famous socialites of New York. Robert and Maryse Lightwood are the parents to four children, and are renowned lawyers in Manhattan. Magnus Bane is their PR agent who has no idea that the oldest Lightwood child, Alec, is in love with him and has been for years. 
> 
> shitty summary, but there will be a better one. 
> 
> again, i'm sorry for this. i'm sorry for being the way i am. and i'm sorry i can't give you all what you deserve. if you want to talk to me, see the beginning of the chapter for places to contact me.   
> -el


End file.
